souji ❝useless bisexual grass eating furry❞ seta (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tarotcards) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
route_10652011-07-06 11:58 pm
tarotcards) wrote in route_10652011-07-06 11:58 pm
Entry tags:
♘ finding answers is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Who: ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
wingless_falcon & usedeverything
Where: Goldenrod City - Souji's Breeding Centre
When: Backdated to 6/24/2011 - Early Morning
Summary: There's still unresolved issues and questions concerning about a certain visitor that Merlin has gotten during that forgotten weekend. Best way is to approach Souji about it, but it's surprising when some of these issues seem shockingly familiar.
Rating: PG-13 at most
Log:
[ These past few days have been a terribly busy day, between having everyone's souls return to the three-way birthday party. It's been tiring and a complete mess between a swarm of emotions; nervousness, relief, joy, regret, and so much in just the span of a week. ]
[ However, everything has calmed back down to the way it has been, just another slice of life. Souji can't say he hasn't missed it. He rather try to forget everything, but easier said than done. After all, it's times like these when he's alone that he can dwell on thoughts he really shouldn't be. ]
[ Standing in the kitchen of the house (he has always found it quite convenient that Goldenrod has had a house which is connected to a centre, making the move from home to work and vice-versa so much easier), he pours himself a cup of coffee. This time, he doesn't go to the cafe to buy them. After all, he doesn't think Yosuke will even be awake this early in the morning, so this is home-made. ]
[ He places the pot back where it belongs and opens the fridge to take out the milk, to mix it in. He adds a considerable amount before placing the carton back. He takes a sip, finding it well to his tastes, slowly helping him feel more awake. Taking another one, he pulls out the chair for the dining table and sits himself down. No one should really be awake at this point in the morning, after how tired everyone must be. So, he'll have some time to think for himself. ]
[ There's a lot to think about, after all. ]
wingless_falcon & usedeverything Where: Goldenrod City - Souji's Breeding Centre
When: Backdated to 6/24/2011 - Early Morning
Summary: There's still unresolved issues and questions concerning about a certain visitor that Merlin has gotten during that forgotten weekend. Best way is to approach Souji about it, but it's surprising when some of these issues seem shockingly familiar.
Rating: PG-13 at most
Log:
[ These past few days have been a terribly busy day, between having everyone's souls return to the three-way birthday party. It's been tiring and a complete mess between a swarm of emotions; nervousness, relief, joy, regret, and so much in just the span of a week. ]
[ However, everything has calmed back down to the way it has been, just another slice of life. Souji can't say he hasn't missed it. He rather try to forget everything, but easier said than done. After all, it's times like these when he's alone that he can dwell on thoughts he really shouldn't be. ]
[ Standing in the kitchen of the house (he has always found it quite convenient that Goldenrod has had a house which is connected to a centre, making the move from home to work and vice-versa so much easier), he pours himself a cup of coffee. This time, he doesn't go to the cafe to buy them. After all, he doesn't think Yosuke will even be awake this early in the morning, so this is home-made. ]
[ He places the pot back where it belongs and opens the fridge to take out the milk, to mix it in. He adds a considerable amount before placing the carton back. He takes a sip, finding it well to his tastes, slowly helping him feel more awake. Taking another one, he pulls out the chair for the dining table and sits himself down. No one should really be awake at this point in the morning, after how tired everyone must be. So, he'll have some time to think for himself. ]
[ There's a lot to think about, after all. ]
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Somehow, he isn't too surprised to see that Souji is awake.]
Couldn't sleep? [The smile he offers his friend is just a bit strained, but he's much more awake now. Finding Souji like this, in the quiet of the night, reminds Merlin of other things he's left unsaid during the impromptu journey to the Ice Path.]
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[ He nods, unable to really find himself smiling back. ] How about you?
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[Folding his hands together on the table, he smiles wryly.] Not much use trying to sleep after that, I'm afraid.
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Want to talk it over some coffee or tea?
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How often are the nightmares?
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Especially after those three-day gaps.
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Remember anything from them?
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[Pause] Souji...why are the others convinced you don't have a Shadow?
1/2
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[ He looks back down and finally places the teapot on the stove. He gets back in his seat and sits down, looking down at his mug. ] I guess the others have told you what a Shadow is then?
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The first time, I remember seeing someone from home. [He toys with the dragon ring on his left thumb, glancing down at it.] This time, I saw you. Or...he looked like you, at first. Then I saw his eyes.
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... What did it say?
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Mostly...that you never had a choice, and that you were tired of shouldering everyone's burdens.
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[ He bites down, his grip on his mug tightening. Tired? No, of course not. That's what a leader does, so he's fine. He has always had a choice in choosing whenever to decline this role and he has accepted it, so he has no right to complain. He has always had the choice and this is his own decision. ]
Forget about it. It wasn't telling the truth.
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I think there's some truth to what the Shadows say, and how they act as...you. I mean, if everything they say are lies, then you, Rise, and the others wouldn't be so affected by them.
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[ This might come out a bit more harshly than needed. He's not tired. He's not tired. ]
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I think you're tired, but you can't admit it. Or you won't let yourself admit it because you're their Leader, their Sensei, their Partner, or whatever else the others call you. I think you're afraid to rest because something might happen when you're taking time for yourself and that would mean you weren't there for them when they needed you. Because that would mean you failed them, wouldn't it?
[Still tense, Merlin leans back into the chair, watching Souji's expression like a hawk.] That's what I think.
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[ With a sharp breath though his nose, he tries to relax. He's not going to let down his defences so easily. ] And because I'm their Leader, Sensei, Senpai, and Partner, I won't get tired or need rest. This is what I've chosen, not what I've been forced into.
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[Now he crosses his arms over his chest, his smile twisting oddly.] Even if you accepted it eventually, there's only so much you can take. It gets...lonely.
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Lonely?
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[Another quirk of the lips.] Hiding a part of yourself because you're not sure if your friends would accept it or not. [His voice is little more than a whisper at this point.] You don't think you can show them everything and still be their Leader.
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[ However, he attempts to pull the conversation away from him. ] You seem knowledgeable.
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It's with no small amount of irony that he shrugs and says with a grin: ] I read a book.
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Seems like you speak from experience, though. [ Or at least from someone with the same thing. ]
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Maybe. [He meets Souji's gaze, tilting his head.] Would it help if I said "yes"?
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[ So, he nods once. Spill the beans, Merlin. If you open up, maybe Souji will too. ]
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From what it sounds like, you ended up being in the middle of things without even realising it. I guess you could say it was the same for me.
You know I care for Arthur...a lot now, but it wasn't always like that. He's much better now, but he was, well, a complete arse when I first met him. Being told you're destined to help a bully like that become the greatest king in Albion can be a bit of a shock right after that. [He pauses.] Whatever that destiny was, I didn't want a part of it. Not with him.
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[ He considers Merlin's words and he speaks after a short while: ] But you keep going after because there are other people and you think of them. If it's for them, then it's okay to be self-sacrificial, right?
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At first it was because Arthur would, according to legend, lift the ban and bring magic back to Camelot. Then, I saw that he wasn't as much of a bully as a stupidly noble arse, and it was difficult not to protect him after that.
[After a long silence, Merlin continues softly.] I follow him, carry out my duties to him willingly now, but sometimes I can't help but wonder...
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Wonder what?
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If I ever had a choice at all.
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[ This is actually a question for Souji himself too, one that he has asked himself many times before in the past. ]
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But even knowing that...everything's just so convenient, you know? [The laugh that escapes him is dry and brittle.] I always thought there was something more to me having strong magic, always wanted there to be something that only I was destined for. I guess I got my wish.