route_1065 | All Good Things To Those Who Wait

All Good Things To Those Who Wait

Who: Mamoru

usedprotect and Aya-chan

junebugfuji
Where: The Weiss House in Goldenrod
When: Friday the 13th, afternoon
Summary: IT'S A MIRACLE.
Rating: G
Log:

In the aftermath of Nagi's disappearance, Mamoru knew what he had to do. He couldn't tolerate the idea of Tot left by herself. It would create too much discomfort and difficulty to try to move her into a house with Weiss and no spare bedrooms. So, partly for Nagi, partly for Tot, and partly for his own peace of mind, he moved out of the five-bedroom home the former Weiss, Chloe, and Aya shared and resumed staying at the hotel near her.

Having already discussed the matter with them, and coming to an agreement with Aya that she wouldn't be moving out with him, Mamoru had made short work of packing his things. Not difficult as there wasn't much there to begin with. The transition was smooth and quick, although it felt strange to be parting from the group after so long-- almost a full year with Ken and Youji.

But maybe this move was for the best. Maybe the bit of distance would help him and Aya both. The run-in with mistletoe over Christmas had been too close of a call.

Of course, leave it to Pokémon to have found a few extra good hiding places for items that had missed Mamoru's sweep of the home before moving out. Having realized that night they were missing, he made a call to the house the next day, confirmed with Aya that someone was there to let him inside, and came over.

She'd left the door unlocked for him. He called out the typical greeting on entry as he let himself inside, spotting her seated at the table by the kitchen. The house appeared empty otherwise; it was too quiet for anyone else to be about. She looked comfortable, with that serene smile of hers and a steaming mug between her hands. He couldn't help smiling back.

"That's a good way to be spending this afternoon. It's quite cold outside."

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It was funny to think that things had become MORE relaxed since the mistletoe incident (it was also funny to refer to it as "the mistletoe incident"). Mamoru had it absolutely right, though. She was feeling peaceful and good, even considering that she wanted to speak with him about things again. Her attention had been on the window, gazing outside and just basking in the relative silence (save for that music) when Mamoru arrived. Her smile warmed a bit more, returning the greeting.

"Is it? It seemed like it, I haven't seen many people out." From the windows, that is. "If you're not in a hurry would you like a cup?" She invited.

That was a difficult invitation to refuse. He wasn't in a hurry, and it would be nice to warm up a little before heading back out into that weather. After a few moments, he nodded.

"Yeah. Thank you."

Edited 2012-01-14 04:02 (UTC)

She responded again with a smile, standing and leaving her cup on the table to go to the counter and prepare one for Mamoru as well. She would make sure to leave the request to talk as casual and open as possible, just to avoid making it seem like the invitation had been made with previous intentions. Honestly she just saw the chance to enjoy each other's company, and she wouldn't mind if it was spent in quiet either, if he did say no or if it didn't feel right to bring it up.

But really, the last time the two had been alone in the house like they were now things had taken a surprising turn. That look in his eyes just before he kissed her had been haunting her dreams every night since. Just thinking about it was enough, and she often caught herself just before her fingertips could brush against that spot on her face. Her hands were thankfully occupied, so there was no need for it now.

Behind her she could hear him taking a seat, and a moment later she set a cup before him, then retook her seat opposite of him. Condiments were already on the table if he wanted.

"Have you settled in alright, then?" Except for the few things that his Pokemon had hidden of course.

Mamoru was enjoying the smell of the coffee before the mug was even on its way to the table, fully oblivious to her reflections on sad looks under holiday sprigs. Without adding cream or sugar, he took a careful sip, allowing the heat from the liquid to begin seeping its way through his body.

"Mmh, for the most part. But it's very strange not being here. Shiro is still a little upset. Confused that we didn't invite her to live here. I think, for him, everyone in the world gets along without awkward relations."

Mamoru paused to consider that thought. "That would be a nice delusion to have."

"Hm... well, by Pokemon standards even though he's already nearly a year old he is a baby..." They probably all missed things being so simple at some point in their lives or another. Aya went back to nursing her own cup, taking a moderate sip. She hadn't been out in the cold, but it still felt good warming up from the inside out, satisfying.

"That's true. His personality, and way of interacting with the world, has remained surprisingly constant. For that matter, most Pokémon seem that way. It's curious. That isn't a common trait amongst people."

"Yes. I think it's because life is just simpler here. It's similar to home in some ways, but for the most part this world revolves around Pokemon. There's not really a need for them to change like humans have had to back home. We're constantly adapting to something or another: environment, job changes, new additions to the family, other countries, the economy... Life here is pretty relaxed." Not to mention that Pokemon, while so similar to people were still more or less animals, after all.

Mamoru considered that point in silence for a time before he answered. "Certainly, life is much more peaceful here."

Her expression didn't shift, proof that she'd long since gotten accustomed to Mamoru's way of speaking and reading between his lines (though that didn't mean she was flawless at it), noting that unspoken answer as well. It wasn't even the very first indicator, and she almost expected that life must be pretty chaotic for him as a prominent politician. It made sense with how orderly and professional he was in life, that she could see.

It also explained some other things...

She gave a soft "Hmm" in response and gazed out the window again for a moment, letting a comfortable silence settle at first.

Aya's response puzzled Mamoru just a little. That noncommittal response sounded knowing. After a few seconds, uncertainty got the better of him. "What is it?"

She almost gave a slight shake of her head, intending to indicate it was nothing to worry about, but thought better of it rather quickly and instead went on to say: "Mamoru-kun, what was it that's been holding you back?"

Holding him back? Mamoru blinked, at first only puzzled by the question that seemed to have come from nowhere. What was he holding back on?

He realized the answer before he'd finished thinking the question. Oh. She knew? Well, that was unexpected. He shouldn't have been surprised, though. Aya was perceptive like her brother, and she'd had months to figure it out. Although at first the realization of what she was asking about froze his expression, as the seconds passed he looked down with a resigned smile.

"I should have guessed. Something like that wouldn't stay a secret from you, would it?"

He took a long sip of coffee, using the time to organize his thoughts. Thoughts that had mulled and stewed in his mind for months. He'd never imagined they would one day be shared with anyone-- let alone her. But she had a right to know his reasons now that she knew it wasn’t a matter of disinterest. Maybe she'd always had the right; Mamoru couldn't tell.

When he was ready, he set the mug down and met her eyes.

"It's true... I think you're a wonderful, charming, beautiful young woman. Were things different, I think I would have liked to try. But... there are too many circumstances here that would make an attempt unwise. The unpredictability of coming and going, for example. There are two people from home that I know, each one a complicated situation. It would make a relationship difficult if either of them were to come here." Difficult, of course, being a polite understatement for huge can of worms. "In both cases... I think it's better that I remain unattached.

"By the same token, we can't take for granted that one of us won't disappear. What would you do, if I vanished?"

To his question Aya just offered a small smile, maybe matching his just a touch, and she drew her coffee cup closer and traced the rim slowly with her finger as she waited for an answer. Just as she was about to take a sip again he began to speak, but there was only a brief pause to show for it before she set the cup back down to meet his gaze, listening.

The compliment was unexpected, and not at all unlike the times before she felt herself react. Her heart skipped a beat, she tried not to let herself feel giddy but honestly there couldn't be too many women who would be adversed to being told that they were beautiful and charming-- and wonderful too, just to make the point absolutely clear. He made good points, she supposed of course, but maybe it was just a difference of opinion, she didn't see them as... valid obstacles, not when feelings were involved. The last thing Aya wanted was to dismiss or discredit his concerns, but were those really reason enough to put them both through all this frustration and heartache?

"Well, Mamoru-kun, I suppose I'd do the same thing anyone else would do back home. People don't live forever..." She replied, surprised by how calm she felt given the topic. She'd probably just been over things enough times and knew him well enough not to get upset, or maybe she'd resigned herself to letting whatever would be-- be. "I don't think that the risk of returning home should be treated any differently than the risk of being involved in some type of accident, or contracting an illness. Sometimes we leave the people we love behind," Like her parents. "sometimes it's willingly but most of the time it isn't... It's up to the individuals left back to decide if they want to pick up the pieces and move on or not. That's an aspect of life that I've had to get used to already." She finished quietly, but didn't look regretful. "I would be hurt if any of you disappeared, especially you, or onii-chan, or Ken-kun," Not for herself as much as for Ran, really, because of how much more it would hurt him. "but I'd keep going until it was my time to go as well."

In hindsight, he really should have expected that. As she said, she'd already been tested on that and passed. Aya was not like the rest of them. She loved, she hurt from loss, and she moved on to find happiness again. In a way, Mamoru could find himself envious of that ability. He, too, knew all too well that people did not live forever. As much as he had striven to become strong, that was one point on which Aya was most certainly the stronger by sheer nature.

"Then, you would rather have the pain?"

There was a beat between his question and her answer and she spoke with certainty. "I would. Every time. That's love." She replied, hands relaxed around the cup once again, not planning to take another drink for a little bit. "We don't feel things from the future and its 'what if's', we feel things right now, in the present." That was something else she'd learned first hand, proven by the way she responded with absolute certainty and not a hint of irony or hesitation.

She let out a soft breath and went on.

"I don't need anyone to tell me to know that I probably won't ever see onii-chan again back home, but I get to spend this time with him here, right now. We're happy, and even if one of us goes back before the other I'll have the memories of right now to get me through just like before. I think he feels the same. Who does it help if we waste these moments and chances that this place is giving us? Wouldn't it only hurt worse to look back at the what if's you could have done something about, instead of the ones that you can't help, or haven't even happened yet? The thing about happiness is that you have to be willing to take it when it's in front of you. I'm sure that the other two people that care about you like I do would feel the same way. I hate to sound biased, but if it were me in their position and I knew that you cared about someone else I'd rather you be happy than punish yourself because you were afraid of hurting me. That would make me feel absolutely terrible."

Maybe he wouldn't notice the slight tensing of her fingers as she said that. She knew he was self sacrificing, but the idea of being the cause of it was totally different from thinking that her feelings were one sided. When she thought that then it was easy to put her own feelings aside, but she couldn't stay quiet knowing that he was denying himself something he could very well have. It was on an entirely unfathomable level to try to imagine being the cause of his unhappiness. She couldn't stand the idea of holding someone back that she cared about, causing them to be lonely for the rest of their lives.

He should have included 'amazing' in his list of compliments. There was really nothing he could say to refute her. As much careful thought as he'd put into weighing the situation, and as much confidence as he'd had in the rightness of his position as a result of that forethought, that realization was at once surprising, unsettling and humbling. Mamoru was not used to losing arguments this badly. The seeming effortlessness with which Aya crushed his objections one after another left him unsure of his conversational footing, questioning if he really understood anything.

He looked down for lack of any adequate reply. Everything had made so much sense, been so clear, until he'd started discussing it. How had she managed to turn such solid arguments completely upside-down? And what was he going to say now?

"I see...."

Cop-out. The ultimate non-answer and ceding of the ground. But there were no other options. Her case was solid. Averse as he was to taking such a bold approach to life himself, it made sense spelled out like that.

Having nothing more he could add, Mamoru finally dropped the point and searched for a way to move on to his next. "Another concern was our living situation. Until yesterday, we shared the same roof, the same circle of friends. If something was attempted, and it went badly, where would that leave us? Contact would be unavoidable. Setting aside the pain, it would be uncomfortable for everyone. Our housemates included.

"I'll admit that concern has less merit now that I've moved out, but it was a point of serious reservation."

Probably better that he didn't, she wouldn't have been able to stop blushing if she'd tried. ~~No need to risk creating an ego beast either.~~

But in all fairness she'd had so much time to think about it, and when it came to matters of the heart-- well, of that at least Aya was absolutely certain. She'd gained a wealth of knowledge from her unfortunate losses, that they had in common, but combined with the way that she was wired to think seemed to give her the advantage.

Of course, Aya wasn't thinking of it like that at all, she'd hoped to talk about things like mature, reasonable adults instead of approaching him while she was strung out in emotional turbulance and distress like their last major discussion. It was going favorably so far but she also couldn't claim to have had an ultimate goal in mind beyond explaining herself, answering his questions, discussing things. It was the best way to think of it, so her hopes wouldn't be dashed if nothing came of it and she didn't have to worry about coming off as pleading or desperate.

Love also changed people in ways they didn't always notice. Maybe she'd already picked up some things from Mamoru.

She didn't call him out on that "cop-out", didn't even feel a need to, putting faith in the fact that he'd stay and see the conversation through, and she was right apparently. She knew she would be, Mamoru was far more mature than most guys her age, probably more mature than 99.9% of them, actually. "I understand that. Usually people do date for a while before moving in together, and I know that's one reason why. Of course, they're usually not friends traveling together for the better part of a year first either." She smiled a little, glancing down towards her own coffee so that she wasn't staring at him constantly now that eye contact had been broken. A moment later, though, and her focus was on him again. "But you're right. That's past tense now."

She paused just briefly for a drink, then put the cup aside properly for a moment, resting one hand lightly over the other, arms comfortably placed on the table, and looked to make eye contact. Despite the TOPIC she continued to remain relaxed, even now as she scolded him a bit.

"Speaking of risks, don't take this the wrong way but it's half my decision too, what risks I'm willing to take with this or not."

But there was something else that had been bothering her about the talk, or maybe bother was the wrong adjective to use. Aya had suspected since the Mistletoe Incident that there had to be a much, much simpler reason that things had been stopped in their tracks. When she thought back on their other talks he was always very concise in his wording and logic, still true, but not so much when the two of them were the topic at hand.

His current points of concern just confirmed what she'd been suspecting since then: He was scared.

Perhaps even more strange than the peacefulness that had settled since the Mistletoe Incident, or referring to it as the Mistletoe Incident was thinking of Mamoru as being afraid of... anything. She knew he had to have some fears, being human, but... afraid of hurting her.

He wanted to keep her at a distance because he didn't think anything could come of it, which now knowing what she did about his feelings-- if he felt the same way as her, truly, then her own point was true for him as well. He didn't want to be responsible for hurting her anymore than she did him. She wanted him to be happy, wouldn't the same be true for him?

"So I have a question for you, too. What would make you happy, Mamoru-kun; not what you think is best logically, but honestly, truly happy?"

Mamoru took her point on risk autonomy in silence. Part of him had to wonder, though, whether it mattered if she had the chance to say yes or no on a decision that required mutual consent if his answer was no.

He did not voice this thought, one of a string that were leading him into a curious sense of depression. That was a bizarre reaction. Surely, the normal and appropriate response should be hope, or relief or excitement. A door he might have liked to walk through was reopening after seeming shut for several months. Why did it feel like it would be more comfortable to see it close again? Having long buried his awareness of the fear underlying all of his objections, the question lingered unanswered in his mind.

Unfortunately, that was the only remaining issue to address-- that big uncomfortable one that Mamoru wasn't sure how to explain or even that he wanted to. No, he was quite sure he didn't want to, but every other reason had been soundly refuted; there was nothing left to protect the underlying truth from exposure. He could point out that Aya's take on how to approach life, risk and pain wasn't one he subscribed to himself, but that did not invalidate her own feelings on it. And in that case, who really had the better argument? Could he really sit there and proclaim that he valued his own desire to avoid pain over her desire to pursue happiness in spite of the risks that came with it?

Because in the end... underneath that subconscious fear, it simply wasn't true. And Aya, with all of the most impeccable timing attainable, nailed that point with her next question. Mamoru shifted in his chair, shrinking away from her for all the half-inch extra distance it generated.

"What would make me happy..."

Mamoru knew, without any further prompt, that between the two possible outcomes, the one in which he avoided the risk of deeper pain was not the answer to her question. He kept his gaze firmly averted, as knowing the right answer didn't make it any easier to admit. Several seconds passed with nothing further said before he continued, so quietly it nearly came out a whisper.

"I want Aya-san to continue to be happy."

He just didn't think there was any way he could change that state of being for the better.

Somehow, somehow she hadn't been as prepared as she thought to hear his answer, or maybe she thought he'd find a way around it. Whatever the case was it had taken her by surprise, she thought on his answer for a few moments, happy, but not positive that they were quite there yet, not even sure when she'd realized that they were heading there, and suddenly aware of it, not wanting to verbally misstep.

"... Being with Mamoru-kun is what would make me happiest..." A short, but meaningful pause before finishing the thought, like she remembered the need to clarify. "... as more than just friends. I'd like to at least try."

Mamoru didn’t know how to answer her. It would be rude to question her belief. It would be unfair to her to agree. Steam curled from the coffee mug, the only motion detectable on his side of the table. It was understandable she had the belief she did-- she didn’t know. And telling her was a frightening prospect, because once she did, there was no taking it back. What would happen then? The prospect of her giving up on him, from a practical standpoint, was for the best. From the emotional standpoint Mamoru didn’t like to recognize himself as having, it only intensified the source of his reservation. Everyone leaves you in the end. Experience had taught him that well enough.

But it was for the best. Mamoru shut his eyes, bracing himself for the worst.

"I can't... Aya-san. It’s not possible. The kind of intimacy you would need, and deserve. I'm sorry. That's not something I can offer you. I don’t think it ever will be. Some risk is necessary in life, but this is too much.

“I can’t take you down that road when there’s so little chance of reaching the place you want us to be.”

Really, who had ALL the answers anyway? Whatever he was bracing for, whatever reaction it was he expected from her she only felt as if some type of cork had been released. The pressure of bracing for his own answer was allieviated.

For a moment, just a moment she was quiet, one hand reaching across the table to touch his. Aya's other hand followed a moment after. She would guess that her eyes probably looked just the slightest bit glassy.

After all this time, nearly a year since they'd met-- only a few months shy --she didn't think that they'd reach this point. There were a lot of times that she felt torn between giving in and honoring his wishes and pushing for more. It seemed like it had all paid off, her persistance and patience. If she hadn't persisted then where would they be?

It was worth it. It felt so much more satisfying to open up to one another over time like this than if they had simply started dating from the beginning. Maybe it was frustrating and heartbreaking at times, but they could always keep moving forward.

She squeezed his hand gently as she felt her heart swelling. No question, her eyes were definitely wet now, but there was a warm smile on her face and she felt as though an enormous weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her voice was lower, nearly a whisper, like the moment was so fragile it might break if she spoke too loudly.

"Mamoru, that kind of intimacy...? This is it. We're already there..."

Mamoru entered a state of shock.

This was it? Strange, for all the things he’d said, as much as he’d explained and confessed in the past several minutes, it had never registered with him that it could have any deeper meaning than just that. Intimacy was so intangible a concept, and Mamoru so resigned to its unattainability, that it seemed he really had lost the ability to know it when he saw it. Was she right? Mamoru glanced at their hands. He felt the warmth passing from hers to his. He mentally repeated her words, not failing to miss the drop of honorific that had come with it, nor the fact that, while a little strange to hear, it was not unwelcome.

He felt as though there ought to be something he should say back; he could think of nothing. How to even process the revelation this most pressing concern of all was just as past-tense as the one of the living situation? Mamoru had never imagined. He still couldn’t fathom it. He looked back up, for a moment entranced by those tear-filled eyes and overjoyed smile. Aya.

She had defied every expectation. For all his shy avoidance, she was bold. For all his assertions of unworkability, she was persistent and patient. And for all his objections, worries, uncertainties and confessions there at the table, she was still sitting with him, completely free of doubt or hesitation. He didn’t understand it at all. But he could find nothing but gratitude and awe in response.

“Is it...”

Someone back home had said once that the best things in life were free, but Aya didn't think that was true, not anymore. She might not pay for it in a monetary sense but they had both more than earned whatever happiness they found from that point on. They'd each paid in their own ways, nothing was free, everything worth having required some kind of effort or act, however intentional or not that it might be.

Aya gazed at their hands as well, smile softening out. "Un... it is."

As she shifted their hands so that she could twine her fingers with his she thought that if this was the reward then she'd repeat the last ten months again, and again, and again.

It would be worth it, every single time.

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All Good Things To Those Who Wait

THE (strike)LATEST(/strike) BEST CHRISTMAS MIRACLE EVER.

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(Hiatus? What hiatus. Shhh.)

I won't tell anyone X3

There's a good love. ♥ So good to me. :D

Always bb~

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