route_1065 | Summer Move Forward, Too Far Is Next Spring

Entry tags:

Summer Move Forward, Too Far Is Next Spring

Who: Lust (

envy_the_sinners
Where: By Mt. Mortar
When: the 27th
Summary: Awkward reunion during the cold snap
Rating: PG-13 possibly for language
Log:

There was something calming about the snow. Lust stood at the base of the mountains, where the rocks became ragged, watching a small stream struggle through a crust of ice. She wore an overlarge drab gray sweater and leggings, perhaps not bundled enough but in no danger of freezing. She didn't mind the cold right now. It was fitting, in its way. Her hair hung down her back in a messy, haphazard braid that hadn't been changed in a few days. Her face was thin and marked with dark hollows. She felt wraithlike, out here in the gray and white. Guttle sat by her feet, unusually still in the presence of snow and cold water.

She wasn't very far from camp. She wasn't allowed to be alone, not truly. She needed to feel as though she were, from time to time. In the grips of grief, she craved solitude. Good god, what did they all think of her? She couldn't tell if they thought that it would somehow fix her, to not be alone, or if they simply worried she'd do herself some harm. Both were foolish notions. She was simply numb and listless inside, not maddened by grief. They couldn't understand, though she knew their intentions were good. They did what they did out of caring.

She supposed she barely understood it all herself. She'd spent over a year attempting to sort through the whys and reasons of her feelings for Scar, and she'd made no progress. The feelings had only grown stronger. Then she'd destroyed everything, carelessly and selfishly. It wasn't a wound that would simply heal in a handful of weeks or months, no matter the balm.

She'd give anything to take it back, to change it. But there was nothing to be done now. She didn't even dare contemplate places they were likely to run into one another, couldn't bear to look at the network just in case. She missed him more than she'd known it was possible to miss anything, but knew he was gone from her.

Perhaps this world had some cloistered religious women's order somewhere....one that was lenient enough to allow admittance to someone like her.

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That had been. An ordeal. Scar had just spent three days in a blizzard, and just when he had finally thought that he would be putting all of his mental preparation to use, Heather had... pounced. It was a while later than he would have preferred, but he followed the Lust-sized tracks in the snow until he overheard the trickle of a nearby creek. His heart pounded in his ears, both a response to the battle and in anticipation for what was coming next.

Her silhouette was recognizable, but... off. Slighter. Her hair wasn't nicely put together like it always was. She wasn't going to panic about that again, was she? He was never good at knowing...

Scar took a steadying breath. Nothing ever scared him, really. Even fighting for his own life was a small deal. Right now, though, he was terrified. The only reason he was here at all was because Envy had said that he didn't think Scar could make it any worse. Envy had said that. Maybe Scar didn't know how to manage his emotions or read those of others. Maybe he couldn't figure out how to mesh properly with this new world that he had suddenly been placed in. Maybe it was too late to even try, both with this world and with all of the sickly, twisted, but still somehow sought after things that were between him and Lust. But he wasn't blind. He knew when he had caused someone suffering, and regardless of his past, that had never been his aim. Everything from his home was gone, here, except her. He'd been desperate to solve the mystery of her existence in Amestris, but then he hadn't been able to handle the truth. It was his fault. He was weak.

Would it have been better if he'd just never known? Both of her and of...

He thought back to what had started all of this. It hadn't even been a month ago. There was still a flare of hurt and rage when he thought of Dante leading Rose and her people off to God only knows where. He had let that happen. He had played right into her hands the entire time and practically handed her the Stone. It had been so easy to assume that Lust was a part of that, even once they were here. She, regardless of her mistakes and flaws, was too good to be true in the long string of downslopes and rock bottoms that composed Scar's life. There had to be something wrong. He didn't deserve any of this, this life or her affection.

But if he could make her even a hair less miserable, he would. If Envy was willing to approach him, he needed to do this. Some of the anonymous people on the network had made good points. He was hardly the one to be judging right and wrong, now. It was selfish, in a way, to assume that he could. Selfish and hypocritical, when he had already made so many mistakes.

Scar approached her from behind on unsteady legs. He looked awful. None of his Pokémon were out. He was poorly shaven. The bags and lines under his eyes were far more pronounced than usual. The jacket that she had given him hung off a little more than it used to. He had become so accustomed to it that it hadn't connected until right this moment that she had been the one to give it to him. Maybe he shouldn't have worn it. His hair was an unkempt mess, and he looked tired. From the journey here, from the battle, but also just from everything. Living here was exhausting in ways he hadn't even been able to predict.

Scar had given up trying to build a life for himself, even regardless of the disaster with Lust. But maybe he could do something right before his time was up. He didn't say anything. He just waited for her to notice that he was standing there.

When she first sense a presence behind her, she assumed it was Heather come to check on her. She'd mentioned she'd be some time for exactly that reason, she hadn't wanted anyone coming and checking up on her.

She knew it was well meant, but all the attempts to cheer her and care for her were grating. It was an illogical response, but most emotions were. She was too worn to give them analysis anymore. She just wanted to be alone with her pain for a time, was that so awful?

She took a deep breath and balled her fists before turning.

Then she froze, mouth half open to speak words that fled her mind immediately. Why was he here? How was he here? Good god he looked terrible...

She shook her head, her legs growing weak. After the way they'd left things... what could he possibly have sought her out now for? Oh. He was wearing the coat she'd given him. Good. He was staying warm.

Her thoughts were hectic and disjointed. She'd been struggling with the reality that she would never see him again. Every night she'd thought the words in the darkness and felt a stabbing intangible pain. Now here he was, like some thing risen from its deathbed. Her heart surged frantically in her throat.

While Lust froze, Guttle did no such thing. With a joyous exclamation he rolled over to Scar, kicking up a spray of snow between them. He rolled happily around the man, barking wheezily in his excitement. Lust simply gaped, pale beneath the remnants of her summer tan and desperately searching for words.

Why was he here?

Scar was silent for another long while. He had rehearsed what he was going to say, muttered sentences to himself when he thought he was alone in that wretched house and all the way here. It had all fled his mind, now. He glanced down, distracted and dazed when Guttle responded so enthusiastically to his presence. Of course he was happy to see him. Unable to leave the sweet seal Pokémon hanging, he crouched down to pat a gloved hand on his head. No picking up this time, Guttle, sorry. He was too tired.

When he stood back up, it took Scar another moment to look back up to Lust. She looked even worse when he could see her face...

"I can leave, if you would prefer." That was the best way to start, he supposed.

"No!"

She hadn't meant to sound so desperate, but the protest was out before she could think. She could barely corral her thoughts into something coherent, let alone filter or temper them. Nor could she stop her hand from lifting out, if only for a moment, before dropping back to her side.

"No," she repeated, shaking her head. She swallowed thickly. She felt weak and shaky and sick, simply from anxiousness. "Why..." It was so difficult to speak. Her throat felt swollen.

"What are you doing here?"

Her voice was rough and low.

Scar started, his nervously wandering eyes immediately darting back to Lust when she objected. There were a hundred things he wanted to say, but none of them would be appropriate or even make sense. She should be wearing a proper coat. Had she eaten today? Why was she alone out here in the snow?

"Envy spoke to me."

No, maybe that wasn't the right place to start. He should start at the beginning. The source.

"When I learned of Lyra's identity..." Scar couldn't even say that wretched filth's name. He trailed off, unable to hold Lust's gaze. He had told himself he would make good eye contact, but that was quickly falling through. "I couldn't understand why you would intentionally keep such a thing from me when you knew how much it all meant."

His hands were clinched, sweating in the palms of his mittens.

"Now I understand that it was because you knew. And although it will always matter to me, you were only trying to make sure it did not just become one more thing." He assumed she knew what he meant. One more link in the chain of failures. Scar's one accomplishment, gone.

"Although it will always matter to me..." That was a repeat. He had definitely said that five seconds ago. He felt like he was going to be sick. Scar forced himself to look up at her. "You are still more important than anything, in this life or in the last."

At first, his words sent a shudder of dread through her. But as he spoke, she found herself twisting her hands together and taking shallow, quick breaths.

Lust hadn't expected that. For a moment she felt as though she were about to fade out of consciousness, unable to process the overwhelming surge of emotions that came as Scar finished speaking.

It was like something sick and festering finally broke open and drained inside of her. She could breathe suddenly. She felt dizzy. She took a few stumbling steps toward him before stopping herself.

"I am sorry." It was the first thing that made it loose from the jumble of thoughts in her mind. He understood her intent, if nothing else. She didn't know how he'd come to this understanding, but she didn't care. And he did care, still, for her. God, her mouth was so dry all of a sudden. Her breath was a fog in front of her eyes and she wrapped her arms around herself and tucked her bare hands beneath them. "I should have told you. I was wrong."

She rarely said those words, but she'd say them a hundred times now if he wanted. She wanted to go to him. He looked more broken than she could remember seeing him. What misery had he been living these past weeks?

She didn't trust herself to say anything else just yet.

"I'm sorry, too." Unusually concise words, coming from Scar, but they were all he could manage, right now.

"I did not think that it would play out as it has. I was foolish." Like he always was. He took another deep, shuddering breath.

"That is all I want to say. I think there may have been more, but I've forgotten it." He stared down at the snow in shame. All that was left was leaving, he supposed.

But now, seeing her, he didn't want to. He stood in the snow, stalling the inevitable.

Lust shook her head again.

"No, it was..." She trailed off, uncertain of what to say. "A mess of emotions. We both were, I suppose. Foolish. I don't...care now. I thought I'd never see you again. It was the most terrible feeling..."

She could feel her traitorous eyes prickling. God damn them! Could she manage a single interaction with him without weeping?

He had come here with every intention of speaking and then leaving her be, but the longer he was here, the more he desperately wanted to stay.

Scar had missed her. He had missed her so much. And she wasn't telling him to go. He returned to staring at the snow between them. There was too much to absorb.

"No one has cared for me, as you have." That wasn't sufficient. Scar knew that wasn't sufficient. He took another breath before amending, "-loved me. As you have."

Not recently, and maybe not in his living memory.

"You do not deserve the way I have treated you." Lust's own mistakes had nothing to do with what was between them.

"You were angry. I don't blame you for...any of it." She took another halting step toward him. God, it was cold. She'd been out here some time already. She was beginning to feel it.

"My feelings haven't changed." She could be certain, by now, that they never would. "Can we end this misery?" This separation was killing them, anyone could see! He was as worn and shambled as she was.

"I'm cold and so tired..."

"You should," he muttered.

Scar moved without thinking to. He unzipped his jacket, but paused halfway through at what she asked next.

"Only if you think it right." He stood still and watched her, gaze confused and uncertain but unusually soft.

"Well I don't. I understand why you were angry." He had been harsh - cruel, even - but he was a hard and passionate man. His anger was a terrible thing. She knew that.

"...Look at us." She gestured between them, jaw set. "This isn't right. These last weeks, those haven't been right. I can't bear the thought....how can we possibly do that again?"

He couldn't come here and say all those things and then leave her all over again.

"It has only been weeks." Wow. Scar glanced down to Guttle, again. He reached into his pocket and produced a Pokéball. In a flash, Miriam was out. She tried to jump up upon seeing her friends for the first time in so long, but her tiny nubbin feet just sank into the snow. She scrambled to Guttle's side, mewing excitedly. Were things finally back to normal?

"What do you want, then? For things to be as they were before?" He was so worried about jumping to conclusions.

Guttle spun snow this way and that in his delight when Miriam joined them, cutting a path for her in the snow.

"Oh Scar..." Lust closed the distance between them carefully. There was snow inside of her boots. Her eyes were still bright with threatening tears, but there was a faint hesitant smile hiding at the corners of her mouth.

"I just want you. Maybe things can't ever be just as they were before, but...we still feel the same. You came and found me in the middle of a snowstorm to apologize..." She wiped at her eyes. "We can talk about it later. Please, just..."

Miriam, meanwhile, chased Guttle in his paths this way and that. It was much easier to run along them.

Scar finally slipped off his jacket. He hesitated for a moment before reaching around her to help her put it on. He didn't need it, and she was cold.

He was intentionally slow, keeping close just in case she wanted to be held. He was hesitant to take her in his arms entirely, but if she went for it, the invitation was silently there.

The last ten minutes were a blur.

That was all that Lust needed, to sink against him and bury her face in his chest. She shuddered and exhaled, but it was with some great relief. She closed her eyes and shook quietly against him, so many things catching up and coming upon her at once.

It almost didn't feel real. Half an hour ago she'd been struggling with the loss of him and now she was in his arms. And good god, it felt right. She'd been so sure nothing would ever feel right again.

Some uncertain tension in Scar eased when she rested against him. This did feel right. Even if it was fundamentally wrong on the most base level, he couldn't bring himself to think about that, right now. He could deal with the guilt later. He just wanted to be weak, right now.

He held her snugly, silent for an amount of time he couldn't quite place. Eventually, he rested his cheek on the top of her head.

He hoped she didn't catch a cold.

It was likely far too late to be worrying about that. Lust didn't give it a single thought right now. She'd been out here without gloves or a scarf or a hat all afternoon. She had sought the cold, now all she wanted was to be warm with him. His warmth. She buried herself in it, well aware her eyes were leaking their treacherous tears, but it was only from exhaustion and some strange sort of burst relief.

Guttle was more than happy just to roll around their feet, tramping down the snow for Miriam to join him. He didn't understand what had happened, but this was what their humans were supposed to be doing.

Finally, Lust moved her head, turning her cheek to him and taking a deep breath.

"We shouldn't stay out in the cold too long."

"You should go back to the tent." He didn't know how long she'd been out here, but it had been athe least as long as he and Heather had been doing... whatever that was.

"If I show up with you, I risk being gored by a flaming unicorn."

Ah, Pokéworld bliss.

Edited 2015-09-01 16:06 (UTC)

"...what?" Lust looked up at him, confused and tired. "I'm not going back to my tent without you. I'm not going anywhere without you. Why would anyone gore you if we're together?"

There was no one in camp who didn't know exactly what had brought her to this state. Even the man she barely knew was well aware. It wasn't as though she'd been suffering from some complicated problem - Scar was gone, she was miserable. Scar wasn't gone now...it was a very simple equation.

"Heather has taken it upon herself to be your personal knight."

Bagged. Sorry, Heather.

"I should likely not go back. Even Henry is... not fond of me." Understatement. Scar wasn't too keen on going right back into the lion's den.

"She has been...very attentive. Women friends take these things personally, it seems." She'd seen it in movies. "But she should know full well that giving you grief will only upset me."

Had Heather been verbally difficult? That wouldn't do. But she could understand Scar not wanting to rest in a place with people who are displeased with him currently. Even though they had no reason to be.

"Then I'll go get my tent. This 'vacation' is miserable, anyway, with the weather. But I've spent weeks desperate to see you, and besides that..." She fixed him with a serious look. "I want to be sure you eat and get proper sleep."

"I do not want to make things worse..." Lust had to live with them, after all.

"She was very angry." Scar got the feeling Lust was slightly underestimating just how angry.

"You're certain leaving will not make things worse?"

"If Heather was upset, it's only because she's worried about me. And she's only been worried because I've been...not taking your loss well. The thing that caused it all is dealt with and resolved, she has no reason to be upset with you now. And certainly none to be upset that I would prefer to be with you right now."

Lust wrapped her arms around Scar, placing her hands flat on his back and nestling against him again. She had no idea how angry Heather had truly been, couldn't conceive of what had gone on between the blond woman and Scar at camp.

"I'll just move my tent over here, that's all. We both need sleep, Scar."

Scar slumped when Lust mentioned how she had taken his absence, but he also pulled her closer to him. He hesitated before he spoke.

"Forgive me, but I am cynical that this is something will be dropped so easily. Everyone you live with hates me."

It was just a simple fact. He stepped away, then, hands still gripping her upper arms. It didn't matter what they thought, he just didn't want Lust to be given grief because of him.

"Do you want help?" Even though he really didn't want to return to camp, he had to offer.

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