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route_10652011-05-15 07:00 pm
usedtroll.livejournal.com) wrote in route_10652011-05-15 07:00 pm
Entry tags:
✖ i wanna swim away but don't know how ✖
Who: Junpei and June
Where: Goldenrod. Some... where. Again.
When: After prior log /o/
Summary: Because of recent development, June finds herself apologizing to dear 'ol Jumpy.
Rating: PG-13 for dark themes. asjkdj.
Warning: MAJOR 999 SPOILERS
Log:
[ She really really really never expected this to happen.
Where: Goldenrod. Some... where. Again.
When: After prior log /o/
Summary: Because of recent development, June finds herself apologizing to dear 'ol Jumpy.
Rating: PG-13 for dark themes. asjkdj.
Warning: MAJOR 999 SPOILERS
Log:
[ She really really really never expected this to happen.
Yes, she felt guilty. Yes, she was sorry. Yes, she was so so so grateful to Jumpy, but that's how it was supposed to stay -- a silent thankful bond between them. Nothing more, nothing less. They were supposed to become strangers, and just... stay away from each other. That was the plan.
Unfortunately, June didn't have a morphic field to look into the future for this one.
She hesitates -- but she knows she's already lost this battle.
June waits at the vague predesignated destination and just... thinks. What does she say? Really, you'd think she would have thought about that already. But she's just... a little confused and all she knows is that she needs to see Jumpy. Right now. ]
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But, of course, denial and distractions could only work for so long. And now that Kanny had come to him, offering the one thing he'd been desperate for—a real, face-to-face conversation (or so he could hope)—he couldn't help but jump at the chance.
Whatever happened would happen, and if she never wanted to see him again after this....he would accept that. Just one last chance, one conversation with Kanny—not June—and he could let go and move on, if he had to.
....Didn't stop him from being nervous, though, and he scuffs his feet as he walks over to the meeting spot. It takes him a little longer than expected to get there, so he's a little late, but maybe that's for the best. That's time he can use to collect his thoughts and not seem like a complete basket case.
When he finally comes in sight of the meeting spot, he can't help but suck in a breath of air because....that was Kanny. She was here. It was almost pathetic, how much that thought affected him. Still, he does his best to maintain a facade of calmness as he closes the distance. ]
...Hey, Kanny.
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[ There's a very strong part of her—the Kanny bit of her, maybe—telling her to run up to him and hug him and tell him she's sorry for all the shit she made him go through, and how she wishes she could take it all back because if she could she would because he means the world and more to her—
But June stops her.
This is serious. She needs to say she's sorry and mean it. This isn't about telling him her feelings—although, she probably should tell him those too, even if it's better for them to be apart—all she needs to do is apologize. If she apologizes, the burning in her chest will stop.
Hopefully. ]
How are you? [ It's obvious how casual she's attempting to make this encounter seem, even if they are both well aware it's not. But if she came right out and apologized like she did with Snake, how would he react? Would he run away? Forgive her without letting her elaborate?
No. This has to get done the hard way—June will not allow herself to take the easy way out.
This is what she deserves. ]
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It's a lie, of course; he's slightly worse than average, and they probably both know it. But it's a pleasantry anyway, and he's not sure why he's reading so much into it, aside from the fact that he's not sure how much is sincere from her anymore.
But if she wants to keep a casual air, he should at least try to make an effort to please her. Even if he feels anything but casual, standing so close to the girl he's so crazy for. ]
Me? Oh, uh, I've been fine. Training the team, working a bit, you know.....
[ Okay, so that was a horrible attempt at not being awkward. But he tried, and that had to mean something, right?
....A large part of him just wants her to say what she has to say—if she's going to crush his heart and soul, wasn't it better for her to just say it, rather than drag it out like this? His heart is bouncing back and forth like it's playing Pong, but at the same time.....if he wants to know what she has to say, he has to do it at her pace.
So. Putting a little more effort into carrying himself properly, like nothing's wrong. ]
Have you been well? We haven't talked for a little while.....
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That's on normal days.
Today, however, is different. Today, the monster felt something—whatever it was, she actually felt it. Her hardened heart burned like the flame that killed her years and years ago, and it hurt. It hurt like nothing else she could possibly describe. She had worked so hard to make sure this was something she would never feel again—so why had it awoken today?
Maybe she was never fully solidified after all. ]
Not too good, actually. [ A pause, a frown. He hates her, doesn't he? Well she can't blame him— ] I've been thinking a lot.
Can I... talk with you for a minute? You have to really listen. [ She's stalling, as she takes a hesitant step forward, lifting her eyes off the ground, so they lock eyes with his. ] It's important.
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It wasn't like what was going on was good, either, though. Sure, he could hope, but he couldn't move on as long as that hope lived on. Time to bite the bullet, and if all went horribly wrong, at least he could (painfully) close this chapter of his life.
...That's what he told himself, anyway, to keep his emotions in check. No use freaking out about something that hadn't happened yet. If only he didn't wear his heart on his sleeve... ]
...I'm listening, Kanny. Whatever you have to say, I'll listen.
[ Do him a favor and ignore that nervous swallow afterward. He really should have taken an acting class sometime; who knew it would have been useful in a situation like this? ]
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[ Jeeze, how does she even say this? It might be best to come right out and say it but. God, this would've been so much easier over the phone.
... and that's why they're in person. It's what Junpei deserves—not some half-ass attempt at asking for forgiveness. June wanted to spill her heart out, every word she's ever wanted to tell him, and just... let him know for once. Not keep any secret from him.
Honesty. ]
... I just want to say that I'm... sorry. [ and quickly— ] Let me explain.
I... I lie to you a lot. I've used you a lot. I've manipulated your feelings and emotions and, when I think about it I'm... really, really disgusted with myself.
I'm sorry I've just... [ Aaaah bullshit Akane, don't cry. Fight it, come on. ] I've done so many horrible, terrible things to you and to everyone...
... Are you sure you're still interested in me? [ A pause, and she looks up to him, eyebrows furrowed, tears dangerously close to spilling out of her eyes. ] Think about your answer, really think about it. Think about everything I've done—everything.
Can you really love someone like that..?
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It gives him time to piece together his thoughts, too. He is thinking, like she asked, but more because he needs to than because she wanted him to. He has to process all of this—she's sorry, she's admitting to what she's done, she's wondering how he feels.
How does he feel? Hell, how does he even begin to express himself? He has a feeling that whatever he says will be important, especially if those tears mean anything, and so he can't just play it off with some stupid comment or a pun.
This is Kanny. She deserves so much more than that....and so much more than him, if she had the bravery to face the elephant in the room. ]
You have done some horrible things. You've killed three people, endangered a lot more....you've broken my trust. All of that—it's not going to go away.
[ He hates saying this, but it has to be said. If he's going to confess all this, she has to know where he's coming from, and he has to acknowledge her crimes.
Still, it takes a lot of willpower not to reach out to her—to hold a hand, brush her cheek in reassurance. He doesn't want to be taking liberties, but he also doesn't want to move too fast for himself as well. Because....after all, he'd been wrong, too. He'd wanted to make everything out to be roses and butterflies, when it wasn't. They have to meet at a common ground. He has to do this right, if he wants a shot at it at all.
Don't fuck this up, kid. ]
I know. I know all of that, and yet.....Kanny, I can't hate you. I can't think you're a bad person.
And if you can look at what you've done and feel disgusted because you know it was wrong....then you're not. If you feel remorse, and guilt, and shame, that means you're not a monster or something evil. You're someone who did something terrible. Not someone terrible.
And....I can forgive someone like that. I can forgive someone forced into a crappy situation, where she had to do some horrible things. I can forgive someone who made wrong decisions. I can forgive someone who hurt me purposefully and deeply.
[ A breath. This next part....was maybe the scariest part of what he had to say, but if they were getting everything out in the open, he might as well. She'd asked, and so he'd answer. ]
With time......I know I could love that person, too. [ And if he wasn't looking her in the eye before, he is now—because he means this, heart and soul. ] I'm not saying it would be easy, or that there wouldn't be challenges...but I know there's something here.
[ Out of everybody.....she found him. And that's what keeps him going, what makes him believe that she's not lying about this. ]
And there's nothing that makes me think it wouldn't be worth it.
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It’s confusing for her—probably as confusing as it is for Junpei. However, unlike Junpei, there is one truth that June is completely positive of.
She loves Junpei.
She’d love to say when she was younger her little crush towards Junpei was just that, a crush, nothing else. But she knew full well, that it was love. She was twelve, and she was in love. And she needed to be in love with him, because she trusted him so damn much, it probably wasn’t even fair.
She loved him when they were friends—from the first awkward moment they met. She loved him when they watched over the bunnies. She loved him when they sat together, isolated from everything else. She loved him on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and most Sundays. She loved him.
She loved him because she needed him.
But was need it? Wasn’t there more to love than all that? Wasn’t it about genuine affection, and not just… desperation?
June didn’t know.
She’s probably the worst person to ask about love.
She loves Junpei, but that’s all she knows on the subject. Though, to be honest, she also loves everyone else forced into the game. Junpei, Clover, Snake, Lotus, Seven, Santa… even Ace in some sick, twisted, and disgusting way. Because all of them—every one of them—have helped her and given her so much in exchange for… nothing, really.
She can’t repay that.
So when Junpei speaks, she can’t help but feel a little… empty. She doesn’t deserve him—certainly not his forgiveness—but she wants it. She wants him so bad, it’s killing her inside. She wants to be someone worthy of Junpei—someone he could love and trust and be normal with.
But that isn’t possible, not after everything that’s happened. He deserves better than anything she could ever possibly offer, no matter how she tricks herself into believe she’s changed. ]
Hey, Jumpy. [ She grins, tears still in her eyes, but she seems… sincere. Sincere for the first time in a very, very long time. ]
This was a really long time ago so I’m not sure if you’ll remember—but do you remember one day when we were walking home from school and we stopped by the playground instead? [ She laughs a little, remembering it. ] We ended up staying there until it got dark. Your mom was so upset when you came home, but…
… that was the best day of my life.
[ There’s a stillness in her voice, and she wonders if it would be all right to reach out and hold his hand. She didn’t care if she was weak, she didn’t care if she was being dependant—because if it was him, she was all right with it. As long as it was Junpei… it would be okay. Even if she didn’t hold his hand (who was she, to do something so innocent and intimate?), him being here was more than enough reassurance.
She trusts him, after all. If he was here… then it would be all right. Maybe, maybe she could cry for him. Maybe she could prove herself worthy of him. Somehow—somehow—she’d win him over. She had to.
Because a world without Junpei, she realizes, is a painful, lonely world. One she doesn’t want to live in. ]
I love you, Junpei, I really do. [ She shakes her head. ] Don’t let that scare you off—it’s puppy love.
… I—I know I don’t deserve a second chance, and I know you have no right to trust me. [ There’s a long, uncomfortable silence, as June looks down to her feet. ] But… if you were willing to help me, a little bit, I’d really appreciate it.
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After all, this had been the girl he’d been mad about all of his childhood, the girl for whom he’d have done damn near anything. Maybe he can’t say he loves her just yet, but that doesn’t mean he’s not on that road, doesn’t mean she’s far more important than anyone else will ever be.
But he remembers those old days, when they’d spent most of their time together.
When he was little, Jumpy’s world had consisted of two things: school (which he’d hated) and Kanny (which he hadn’t). He wasn’t sure how he’d convinced her that he was interesting enough to befriend (he wasn’t), but he’d been the luckiest guy in school, to have her as his best friend. He hadn’t even known when his feelings had become more than friendly, but by that fateful sixth grade year, he’d been almost desperate to impress her, to prove that he was worthy.
Funny, how things hadn’t changed all that much. Even if he still longed for those times, when they would lose track of time together, it wasn’t like they couldn’t do that again. Yes, their lives were different. Maybe they were even different people. But wasn’t that connection strong enough to transcend time once? Who’s to say it couldn’t do it again, withstanding the test of time and trouble?
Maybe a stronger man would have resisted the urge for some sort of grounding contact, but Junpei isn’t Superman, and he’s really just dying to touch her. Because this is real, he knows it is, but there’s still some part of him that can’t come to terms with that fact.
Some part that still doesn’t believe he’s lucky enough to have the prettiest, sweetest, smartest girl in his sixth-grade class giving him the time of day.
So he reaches out, lightly cupping a hand under her chin to force her head up so he can see her face clearly. He lingers there for a moment or two, hoping she can’t feel him shaking with something between nervousness and excitement, before second-guessing himself and pulling away. ]
...How could I forget? Mom grounded me for two weeks and yelled so loudly that I think I still have hearing damage. [ Crooked grin. It’s meant to be reassuring, but with his stomach in knots, he’s not sure how effective it will be. ]
You know, I’ve never talked like that with anybody else. Nobody makes me forget where I am, what I’m doing, the way you do....
[ He sighs. Goddamnit, this isn’t coming out right, and the last thing he needs to do is remind her of why he was so inadequate. ]
I can’t think of anyone else. Not when you’re around. Ever since then, I wanted to be the one you relied on, the one who could protect you, the one who would save you.....I just didn’t realize it would happen quite like this.
[ He thought he’d be fighting off bullies or protecting the next generation of bunnies, at worst. Not incinerators and the time-space continuum....it was almost surreal. ]
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….Hey, you know what was funny? Even though my mom was furious at me for a few days, she still gave me a second chance, and let me guard the bunnies with you that one night. I hadn’t expected her to let me, and yet, she still let me go. [ And gave him a wink, reminding him to take good care of his girlfriend. Not that he was going to mention that. ]
I think everybody deserves a second chance. And even if that’s not true….that doesn’t change a thing. I’m here for you, Kan—no, Akane. I’m here. I always have been, and I always will be.
So, if you need a hand....I’ve got two to spare.
[ He’s quietly hoping to himself that she hasn’t noticed how red his cheeks have gotten. This is probably the sappiest, most ridiculous thing he’s ever done in his life.
But isn’t that what he does for her? When it comes to Akane Kurashiki, all bets are off. She’s so special, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to show her just how much he cares. ]
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On the one hand, after having to force herself to be without Jumpy—rejecting any and every feeling she might have had because it went against the plan—life seemed pretty… good, right now. She had the guy of her dreams, she was on the road to becoming better and… well, everything seemed to be looking up in this moment.
On the other hand, there was a part of her that felt like… like this couldn’t really be real. That tomorrow, she’d wake up as broken and useless and empty as she was just yesterday.
But that wouldn’t happen, right?
Because he offered her his hand. Because he said he’d be there—even if it got tough. Even if she felt like she’d give up on all this, if she threw in the towel and said, “I’m done”—he’d be there.
In an act of affection (or maybe it’s her own desperation?) June reaches forward, and takes one of his larger, more defined hands in her dainty one. Her expression softens as she watches her fingers slowly curl around his, intertwining them as if she had never planned to let go. Because she didn’t, not really. She could think about holding his hand now, and pressing the back of it against her tiny, virgin lips. But when she considered pulling away…
She didn’t want to.
Pulling away—further away—wasn’t an option. He said he had his hand open for her, so… she’d take it. She’s take what was offered to her, without qualm. She’d hold it for as long as she could, and when they’d eventually part ways, she’d still be holding it, imagining the faint outline of his warm hand in hers. ]
Your mom was a nice lady. [ She nods slightly, eyes still locked on their conjoined hands, like she’s intrigued on the hold in itself. ] There’s a lot of her in you.
[ She directs her attention back on Junpei, lifting their hands up so that both of them can see it. ]
I’ll rely on you. [ A firmer nod this time, and she squeeze his hand once. ] As long as you let me, I’ll continue to rely on you.
[ She looks up to him with large, pleading eyes, as if begging him to let her rely on him. She knew he would, he said he would, but… this wasn’t an oath. This wasn’t some treaty they were going to sign, or anything silly like that. It’s a mutual… agreement, almost.
Junpei’s support in exchange for June’s love.
Somehow, that strange equation evens out. Even if June is a little lazy on the math this time around, she’s positive it’s even—and if it isn’t, then she’ll change. She’ll make it even, make it work, make it fit.
She has to.
If she doesn’t then… then there’s no way she could ever forgive herself for letting him slip by.
June thinks about hugging him, briefly, before sighing, silently leaning in, and pressing her forehead in the center of his chest (did it always seem this… grown up to her?). It’s a little… awkward maybe, but she likes it. It’s not a hug, but it’s affectionate enough. But more than that—it’s June showing affection for… the first time in a long time. So, this pose makes her feel like she can be vulnerable and open and free in his presence.
Because she can.
There’s silence on her end, and she just breathes simply, watching Junpei’s chest move up and down, in and out with each breath he happened to take. After a few minutes, she turns her head to the side, so he can better hear what she’s going to say ]
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[ She grins brightly, and pulls away from his chest, so he can see her smile. ]
The reason I’m here is because of you. Even if you didn’t really have a choice—it means a lot! [ Childishly, she swings their arms back and forth, simultaneously rocking back and forth on the heels of her worn out, brown boots. ]
It’s kind of funny that I’m asking for more from you, since I already know I can’t pay you back for that. [ She shakes her head. ] But you can definitely believe me when I say I won’t stop trying.
… Because that’s what you do for the most important person, right? You give them everything you can, and hope it’ll be enough.
[ Even though it never, ever will be. Not in this case. ]
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Kids held hands as they frolicked through fields—or did kids even do shit like that? Junpei wasn’t too sure, to be honest—and friends held hands to support one another. Lovers held hands to express their affection, and siblings held hands to show their bond.
A simple action that belied the significance of its occurrence.
They were.....going to try this. She wasn’t going to keep running away, leaving him to follow her and eventually lose faith. He wasn’t going to keep clinging to those idyllic childhood days, idealizing her into something she wasn’t.
They were going to try to get along together, as Junpei and Akane…whatever the hell that meant.
Looking down at where their hands meet, he runs his thumb absent-mindedly against the smooth skin of the back of her hand. Compared to his, her hand was so tiny....and yet, they fit together. Like it was meant to be. Like they were meant to be in each others’ lives.
He laughed a little at himself; was he really having a ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’ moment? Logically, there were probably plenty of people with similar hand sizes so they fit like this; it didn’t mean anything. And he wasn’t the type of guy who bought into that ‘fate’ or ‘predestination’ nonsense. But there was something about her that made him think twice, and that was saying something.
But enough of all that. She was here, with him, and that was what mattered. And then she leans into him, her head pressing against his chest, and his first thought is that he hopes she can’t hear his heart racing. He has to be strong for her, after all; her literal support as well as her emotional one.
His second is surprise at how the action is more calming than heightening. They’d hugged before—even if this wasn’t really a hug—as children, as friends, but he’d forgotten how...nice it was, to have her near. Instead of the sharp, short breaths he feared, his are calm, even. The contentment floods through his whole body, and though he isn’t smiling, the expression on his face is peaceful.
He feels like he should say something—because his mom was a good lady, she was—but he really doesn’t want to talk about her right now. To be honest, with her head resting lightly on his chest, he really doesn’t want to talk about anything.
If he closes his eyes and rests his cheek against the top of her head, he can pretend that they’re any other normal couple. That this was them a few years ago, in a world where the Nonary Game (both, really) never happened and she had gotten the life she’d deserved. Where they didn’t need to be stuck in a world where Pokémon roamed freely in order to figure out their problems.
But he can’t. She’s talking, and that’s more important than all the what-ifs in the world. ]
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If there are, he can’t find them. ]
I can’t promise I’ll always be on top of things, but if you need me....I’ll be ready to catch you. [ His grip tightens for a split second before he relaxes again. ] I promise you that.
[ His first instinct when she pulls away is to pull her back in again, but he stops himself. She’s not leaving. He....well, he can’t say he completely trusts her just yet, but he has faith. So he has to take steps, too, and one of those steps is being a little less clingy.
It helps, though, that she stays close and leaves their hands intertwined. ]
Most important person, huh? [ He shoots her a grin in return. Because even if he’s wondering 'what is love,' that doesn’t change the fact that she’s his most important person as well. ] You’re pretty darn important to me, too.
[ Which is why, even as his expression stays pretty much the same, his eyes get serious. ] So you don’t have to pay back anything. Giving...that’s what you do for someone you care about. Even if it wasn’t, uh, entirely intentional at the time.
[ But could he say his heart wasn’t in it? Yes, he probably wouldn’t have agreed to set up the Nonary Game and all, what with the fact that it would result in three murders, but in those last few minutes.......nothing had mattered more to him than solving that Sudoku puzzle and getting Kanny out alive.
Not even the desperation of his fellow Nonary Game members to escape their own personal inferno. She had been more important than anything else. She always had been, after all; he’d gotten his ass kicked for her, he’d been willing to watch her stupid girly movies with her (even when the others teased him), and he’d pooled all of his meager allowance to buy her a doll that he’d hoped she’d like.
....It was probably a good thing that he didn’t know what had become of June, because then he’d feel pretty shitty. ]
I want to give you things, too, Akane. I want to show you that I….that I can make you happy, too. You don’t owe me anything.
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Just young things, really. They were the very best of friends—always together, always smiling. Junpei managed to make school fun, and, inevitably, he… really made June feel like she was worth something.
Then the Nonary Game happened.
If she had a heart, she’d tell Junpei everything. About the doll, about talking to Aoi and Snake and Seven through the door, about the feel and smell of her own burning flesh in the Incinerator—
Or maybe it’s because she has a heart that she doesn’t tell him.
She’d love for no secrets to exist between them. She’d love to tell him everything. But… some things were too emotional to put into words. Some things, like dying because of four fucking men, were impossible to share with that one special person. She could never tell Jumpy—her precious, special Jumpy—all that.
She’d never be able to explain the true fear she felt in the first Nonary Game. She could never explain the feeling of being protected by Aoi, only to fail to him when she turned back to go after he doll. Those things… there just aren’t enough words that June knows in order to properly express all she felt…
But maybe Junpei would understand. He had gone through the Nonary Game as well, and so he must have had some idea about what it feels like. However, he… he wasn’t there, not the first time. He didn’t have to stare blankly at his one thought of escape, only to figure out he couldn’t do it and watch his own body shrivel until it looked like nothing more than burnt wood and the smell of it all—
Thinking about it makes her head hurt.
Fuck the Nonary Game, she thinks, her nails briefly digging in the back of his hand. Fuck it for all it did to her—all that goddamn game did to her. Fuck. Not even to mention all it made her do all the pain it made her inflict on other people—
She frowns, mumbling an apology, before letting the pads of her fingertips brush against the small, crescent indents on his hand. Fuck it. If it weren’t for the Nonary Game, she would have been free to love Junpei, in world where she could be Kanny, and not June or Zero or anything else that Jumpy didn’t want.
But she knows, despite all that, that the Second Nonary Game—can it even be called a game?—was her doing. It was her choice to live. She didn’t have to—no one has to live. She could have died. She could have left Aoi all alone. She could have done that.
no subject
If only she was smarter, she could have solved that puzzle on her own—
If only she didn’t lead, she wouldn’t have been able to get away from the group—
God, if only she hadn’t gone back for the doll—
No.
No. Even if it was a stupid move… June doesn’t regret it. Not at all. The doll—the very doll in her pocket at this every moment—means… maybe everything to her. Maybe it means nothing anymore. This doll killed her, but at the same time…
It was the first gift the love of her life ever gave her.
That’s not easily replaceable.
June smiles darkly and briefly at the thought of telling Junpei about the doll. He’d tell her she’s stupid and that her life was more important than the doll, and if she would have just left the thing all of this could have been avoided, and they could have been happy and normal together forever.
And maybe, somewhere, that’s all true. Maybe he’s right. Maybe things would have been fine if she let that doll go.
But one thing Junpei will never understand—no matter how June tries to explain—is how much that doll means to her. Even if that love killed her—she can’t bring herself to hate the doll.
There’s a sharp exhale as she directs her eyes back onto their conjoined hands and she wonders, briefly, if his hand always seemed so small to her. It must have always been bigger than hers, even when they were children, but now, it felt… real. Now, Junpei wasn’t her “savior” or “knight in shining armor”. No, now he was… Jumpy, her boyfriend. He was real, now. A real man who saved her life, and who she wants to give the world to, and even more than that.
Bashfully, she moves their connected hands and presses his hand flatly against her cheek. It’s girly—painfully unlike Kanny herself, but… is it so wrong of her to want him near her right now? It is so wrong to want him to touch her cheek and tell her everything will be okay? Isn’t this… kind of what they’re in for, from here on out? ]
It’s going to be hard. [ If she’s trying to fight her smile, she’s not doing a very good job of it. Because for the first time, maybe ever, June is happy—really fucking happy. And, more importantly, she’s allowing herself a chance at happiness. She’s not punishing herself for all that she’s done—she’s accepted that maybe, she’s changing slowly, and that she deserves a little happiness.
A little. ]
I’m a tough lady to please, you know? [ She laughs, simply and happily, moving her eyes up to lock in with his. This… they were really going to try this. He really wanted to help her. It takes a second for that to sink in, but once it does, June lets out another light laugh, shifting her cheek against his hand. ]
But I’m sure we’ll be fine. We always are. [ She grins, squeezing his hand, before her look turns a little bit… serious. ]
So… um, what does all of this make, you know, us? [ June laughs, a little awkwardly, tapping her pointer finger on his hand. ]
Just so there isn’t any confusion!
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Maybe it was a guy thing, or whatever, but for some reason he found this question hard to answer. Not because he didn’t know where this was leading, or because he didn’t know where he wanted this to go. But because…well, it wasn’t exactly like he had the best track record with girlfriends, and he didn’t want to jinx this before it even started.
For all that he’d crushed on her as a child, he’d never gathered up the courage to tell her that he liked her—and then, of course, they’d moved on to new schools and new lives, and he had never seen her again. Or so he’d thought, anyway. But the point still stood that he’d let the chance slip by, worried that she wouldn’t be interested in a guy like him. After all, she’d been one of the few people who’d even liked him in first grade; why would he risk scaring her off?
After Kanny had been his first real girlfriend, which had lasted for a grand total of two months before they’d gotten sick of each other. It had been his freshman year of high school, and she’d been one of the first people he’d met at his new school. Brown eyes, wavy brown hair, a sweet smile; perhaps he’d subconsciously had Kanny on the brain, or perhaps that was just his type, but he’d been attracted to her from the beginning.
It had taken longer for them to get together (he was still shy, and she was just as pretty; really, she’d had to make the first move, because he still couldn’t do it himself then) than the duration of their actual relationship, but it had been his first relationship. She’d been his first kiss, his first date, his first heartbreak. Not that he’d been overly emotionally invested in the relationship, but he’d never been dumped before.
And, considering his inferiority complex and self-esteem issues, that was a great time for him. No, really.
So, it had been a while before he’d dated again, and for good reason; his second relationship had gone worse than the first. She’d been a spitfire of a girl, with wild blonde hair and sparkling green eyes; not what he had typically found attractive, but there was something about the way that she carried herself that had drawn him in.
It had been the first time that he’d actually made a move on his own, asking her out on a date; a simple dinner, nothing overly fancy. But it was a milestone all on its own; he’d worked up the courage to ask her out, and it had gone well.
Well, until he’d learned that she was only dating him to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. When she’d dumped him (two days after her ex broke up with his new girlfriend, or so he’d heard), he’d had his theory confirmed—that dating just wasn’t for guys like him, who were just simply doomed to be dumped in the end.
He’d only had a third girlfriend—and his one serious one—as a result of a fortunate accident, as he really hadn’t intended to date anyone at the time. Her prom date had canceled on her at the last minute, and since she didn’t want to miss her senior prom and had an extra ticket, she’d invited him (a friend of a friend) to come along.
In the end, they’d wound up dating for a year before they’d mutually called it off. It was difficult to continue the relationship when they were both at different colleges, and they’d simply drifted apart. His most successful relationship, to be sure (he’d even gotten to second base), but even then, it hadn’t lasted all that long.
So maybe he was a little hesitant to call her his girlfriend, considering his less-than-stellar track record. After all, Akane was more important (and more complicated) than those other girls, and he hadn’t even managed to keep their interest for very long. ]
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Even if she’d hurt him before, he had faith that this time would be different. Maybe he couldn’t trust in her words completely just yet, but
And even if it would be hard—and really, try as he might, he can’t stop that immature part of his brain from whispering ‘that’s what she said’—it would be them, together.
So he meets her smile with a smile of his own. ]
Well, uh....wouldn’t this make us....boyfriend and girlfriend? [ Okay, that wasn’t so bad. One step at a time. ]
I mean….if we’re going to date and all. [ ...and now we’re walking backwards. Deep breath, move on. No need to repeat yourself. ]
Oh, wait. Should I, uh, ask you? [ ....why is he still so nervous? And what’s up with all the stuttering? So much for being the smooth, sweet-talker who sweeps Akane off of her feet—not that that was ever really a possibility, though.
But still. He runs his free hand nervously through his hair, as if to calm himself down with the action, and then wipes his hand against his pants before reaching for her other hand, so that he can hold each of her hands in each of his. He gives both her hands a comforting—or meant to be comforting—squeeze, and he smiles again—much more shakily this time, but whatever.
She deserves to be asked, like this is a normal relationship or something. No, it’s not, but even the slightest sense of normalcy is nice. They’re already so screwed up, with such an overly complicated history, that they need this. He wants to give her this, even if it makes him slightly irrationally nervous.
Deep breath in, deep breath out, here’s hoping his palms aren’t sweating and his hands aren’t shaking because that’s definitely not suave or romantic, and he’s asking her out officially so he really doesn’t need to turn her off. But still. It feels like six years of knowing each other and nine years of separation, not to mention the whole mind-meld of the Nonary Game, have boiled down to this one moment.
Somewhere around fifteen years late, he’s actually going to do this. ]
So, Akane....will you be my girlfriend?
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She’d never felt what it had been like to be “liked” in that sense, and to be honest, she wasn’t really interested in it. Being in love, having a relationship… it all seemed so human. So, so different from what June had been practicing for the past nine years.
June really can’t help but think she would be a bad girlfriend.
She’s inexperienced to some degree; she doesn’t know who to please him, or how to provide for him. But, maybe more than all that, she isn’t really sure what to “love” means. She knows she loves him. She knows she’ll never love anyone more than she loves him. But at the same time… are there certain things you do for the one you love? What do you do? How do you do it? Why do you do it? Only because you love someone?
How will she know what to do?
And if it turns out she’s a bad lover and doesn’t know what to do, Junpei will be the one to suffer, not her. Can she really put him through all that, in addition to their already complicated chemistry..?
June’s actually pretty sure she’ll be a bad girlfriend.
More than the lack of experience, she’s selfish. She’s cruel. She’s not “girlfriend material”. She’s not good enough for Junpei. From what she gathers about romantic relationships, generally, it’s a give-take situation. You both give and take at different times to balance each other. If you can’t balance out, the relationship fails
How should she expect to take care of him, when she can’t even do that for herself…?
How can she give to him, when all she does is take?
But then, at that same time, he was asking her out. He did it. It wasn’t her forcing him or manipulating him—just… him doing what he wanted to do.
How could she, after all this, refuse him?
Even if she wanted to—she wouldn’t be able to do it. With him asking her, there was…. There was no way she’d ever be able to turn him down. Never. Even if she can’t completely provide for him as a girlfriend should, even if she’ll mess up, she will most definitely do everything in her power to try and be his girlfriend. She might—probably will fail—but she’ll get him anything he wants. Anything asks for is his.
Because she wants him happy.
Because she wants him.
Because there was never any doubt that she’d push everything—the Nonary Game, her death—away to make room for Junpei. She’d be anything he wanted. Anything and everything he loved, she’d become it.
Because. Because she needs him to love her back.
Because she needs him.
With lips slightly agape, June can’t bring herself to properly answer just yet. He just… this was real. The first real twinge of emotion she felt in a long time. He asked her. He wanted her.
He wanted her.
It was a nice feeling, she supposed, to be wanted. To have someone want to be with you, instead of tricking them and playing mind games. They got dull, boring. June grew tired of running and hiding and faking and lying. For once, or maybe of the first time in a long time, couldn’t she just be Akane? Fucked up, unlikeable, bitter, bratty, Akane? ]
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They have to mean something. ]
I’m not going to change overnight, you know? I… I’m not the best person in the whole world, and I can’t really say I’ll be a good girlfriend.
But… [ She drops one of his hands, so she can scratch the back of her neck. ] It’s just like…
Jeeze, Jumpy! I haven’t been this lost for words for a really long time!
[ But she smiles warmly, bringing her hand back down to his and squeezing, gently. She’s not as nervous and Junpei was, and for good reason, so she took it upon herself to do the reassuring. This was what she was going to have to do from now on, right? Be there for him—support him. Or at least attempt to do so. ]
I guess what I mean is that I’m not going to promise some fairy tale, you know? As much as I want to change and make you happy, it’s… not something I’m really capable of. But I’m offering a little deal here. Hear me out?
[ She smiles, sweetly (and when has she ever done anything sweetly?) and brushes her thumb over the back of his hand, memorizing the feel of his skin and bones and veins. It’s not that she has some sort of obsession with Junpei, or even and obsession with touching him, it’s just… nice.
Nice to think this is mine for once. ]
I’m not going to stop trying—to be a better person, I mean. I want to be better, for you. I don’t want to be a bad girlfriend—I don’t want you to take care of me. I want to give you things—really! Anything. That’s how important you are to me.
And I don’t really mean to show your worth through material objects, because you’re more special than that, right? But I guess I… don’t really have another way to show my affections to you? I don’t really get this whole “boyfriend girlfriend” thing, so I don’t know how to tell you I love you the right way.
[ She pauses, eyes glancing down to their conjoined hands once again. Her hands and his hands—where did one end and the other begin? Had they become so intertwined that they no longer had their own hands, but shared a pair..?
Ha, don’t make her laugh. She’s not that sappy and she doesn’t believe in “fate” and “destiny” or other things like that. They both had their own hands—it was just that… she wanted their hands to mesh together, so she’d never have to let go. Yes, that’s must be it.
Okay, so it’s still a little sappy. Build a bridge and get over it. ]
Okay, okay! So! The moment you’ve all been waiting for! [ June grins, more brightly than she has during this whole encounter, and sends a wink over his direction. ]
If you’ll have me, I’d be happy to be your girlfriend. [ A grin and yet another pause. Is that it? What happens now? Surely something must be different about relationships and friendships— ]
I, uh. [ Oh damn it, don’t you make it awkward. Uh uh uh. Quickly, bashfully, Jun e jolts her head forehead, extending on her tip-toes, so she can place a small kiss on his cheek, before sinking back to her foot level.
Or was that too fast? Maybe she should have waited a bit— ]
So, then Mr. Jumpy. [ Cheeks dyed red—June finally understood the embarrassment Junpei felt only seconds before. It was her turn. Her chance to be awkward, her chance to act normalor—maybe she actually is normal in the long moment she shared with Junpei.
Or maybe she’s searching for something that isn’t quite there yet. ]
Will you—Junpei—do me the honor, and be my boyfriend?
[ … A thoughtful silence, and then June bursts out in an unexplained manner. ]
Ha! This was kind of a long time coming, wasn’t it?
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…Plus, even if she had ever found the time to have a boyfriend despite everything, he had a feeling her brother would be more than willing to scare guys away. A problem he’d have to deal with on another day.
So if she said yes, he’d be her first boyfriend—or one of her first boyfriends. Now all that was left was to hear her response.
When she started talking….his heart sank. Because she was talking about how she couldn’t be a good girlfriend, and, to him, the logical end to that train of thought was that they shouldn’t even bother. That she couldn’t accept being his girlfriend, not when she was so convinced that she’d suck at it.
It was funny, though. To him, it really wouldn’t take much for her to be a good girlfriend. All she had to be was Akane Kurashiki, and be someone he could depend upon and trust. He wasn’t asking for her to become a completely different person. He knew she’d changed over the last nine years; it was for that very reason that he was hesitant to call himself in love with her. But he was willing to get to know her as she was now, and he knew he could care for her in spite of everything.
As long as she was willing to be with him, and only him, she would be a good girlfriend in his book.
And yes, there would be bumps along the road. He was pretty sure no relationship went smoothly…his past experiences included. But this was important to him. He was willing to give it his all. He couldn’t explain it; she was precious to him, even after mere seconds of being reunited, and he’d be hard-pressed to let this go.
…And then she’d smiled, and said she had a deal, and told him to hear her out, and he’d realized that he was jumping to conclusions. He was still jumpy (was it a good sign that he could still make jokes in his head?) about this, for all that he was trying to convince himself otherwise. Perhaps it would take time for that to go away.
There was some saying that courage wasn’t the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it. Could love and affection be the same?
So when she smiles, he gives her a smile in return, and nods. He can feel her thumb running over the back of his hand, and he can almost imagine her writing her name on his skin. Like he belonged to her.
And it was true. He was hers, heart, body, and soul. As if she’d carved her name into his heart. It had always been her, even as a kid. Even when she’d been an impossibility, separated from him by different schools and situations.
He was hers. He’d heard some pick-up line that talked of wanting to be a Kit Kat bar so he could break her off a piece of his heart, and he had a feeling that wasn’t too far off.
And maybe, just a little bit, he fancied that she was his in return. Perhaps not wholly; he understood that there were parts of her unbeknownst to him, and parts he was unable to reach, but he had some claim to her, he hoped. Junpei wondered if this was a natural human instinct, to desire to “own,” in a sense, the person who was so dear to you.
So when she finished responding to his request, all of this considered, he was ready to correct her. If he’d have her? He’d asked for a reason. All of the warnings she may have given…they did nothing to dissuade his belief that she was the girl he wanted to be with. He’d known since he was a kid that there was something special about little miss Akane Kurashiki, and all that they’d been through…rather than dissuading him, it had only strengthened his conviction.
He was certain. About this, about her. She couldn’t convince him otherwise, not now, not ever. ]
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Now he just had to....figure out what to do next. Did she expect him to return it in kind? He…wasn’t sure if kissing her back, even on the cheek, would be too forward. Certainly, he’d be nervous; besides, weren’t pecks on the cheek girly, if you thought about it? They were the way women expressed affection; he was pretty sure guys didn’t use them nearly as often.
But then….it would be just as weird to leave it unacknowledged, wouldn’t it? He thought for a moment on how to best react. If this were one of those lovey-dovey romance movies, he’d probably brush her hair behind her ear and then cup her face to pull her into a real kiss, during which birds would sing and bells would ring and a spontaneous sunset would paint the sky fifty million colors, all serving to prove that this relationship was meant to be.
Of course, this was reality, and none of that would actually happen. Besides, if he wasn’t comfortable giving her a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the lips was probably not the best idea.
So what else was there? He could give her a pat on the head….except he was pretty sure those were reserved for little kids and dogs, and neither was the type of connotation he wanted to give her. If he still wanted to stick with kissing, he guessed he could give her one of those Eskimo kisses….except, knowing his luck, he’d wind up bashing his nose against hers too strongly and make them both in pain.
Instead, he went part way; he opted to rest his forehead gently against hers, closing his eyes. Maybe it was a little strange, maybe she’d feel uncomfortable, but he felt at peace. He let himself show this slight vulnerability, relaxing in her presence, because he was willing to find trust in her again. He had faith that she wouldn’t break his heart again, he had hope that their relationship could make it, and he was working on that last ingredient, love.
Wasn’t that all they needed, to steal Snake’s recipe again, if they wanted luck? ]
Hey. Maybe our relationship’s like a fine wine. You know....you let it age for long enough, and it gets really good. [ Soft laugh. It’s a stupid comparison, but hey. He can still laugh at himself. This hasn’t inflated his ego too much. ]
But uh....Ms. Kurashiki.... [ Why did that sound….way more formal than he was expecting it to? ] Man, I feel like you already know what I’m going to say.
[ Opening his eyes, just to show that he’s serious about this next part. Because he is, for once. ]
I’d be glad to be your boyfriend, Akane. No matter what it takes. I care about you, more than anyone else, so….this is worth it.
[ And he believes that, fully. But there’s something she mentioned earlier that he can’t forget, that has been bothering him for a little while. So just….pulling back a little, wearing his ‘serious business’ face. ]
I don’t want....I don’t want you to change for me, though. If you want to change, then…change for yourself, alright? I don’t want to ask anything like that of you.
[ Junpei’s pretty sure that changing yourself for someone else is never a good idea, especially if the media was anything to go off of. He wasn’t opposed to her personal growth, and yet…call it idealism, call it foolishness, call it whatever, he wanted her to want it. Otherwise, it would be pointless. Change without a desire to change was only temporary.
Pretty sure there was a saying like that…or something. ]
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So…take your time. We can figure out how to make this work together. I mean....that’s what it’s all about, right? We can make sure this relationship doesn’t sink.
[ …wait. Too soon? Well, whoops, that was….probably not the best of ideas. Speak first, think later; that’s Junpei’s style.
…Here’s hoping she can’t take back that promise to be his girlfriend so soon. Or that she, you know, finds his puns just the least bit attractive. ]