There's so much I need to say to you

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Who: usedlaserbeam and restardom
Where: The forest off Route 35, just outside of Goldenrod.
When: December 1, the afternoon.
Summary: There's a trickster-shaped void in two people's lives. Bonding ensues.
Rating: PG?
Log:
[There are some moments when Yagyuu just doesn't want to be Yagyuu.

They say that the first stage of grief is denial. It's also arguably the one he's best at, if it's even possible to claim expertise in that sort of thing at all. Denial is comfortable, familiar; it's a mask he can wear to conceal his true feelings, which has the added bonus of relieving him of the burden of figuring out what the hell those feelings truly are in the first place. Problems are much easier to deal with when they simply aren't there. Let them go ignored, and they have no power to trouble you.

Deep down, he's pretty sure that's why Niou Masaharu managed to get under his skin the way that he did. Because even despite Yagyuu's best efforts (and were they ever the best of efforts), there was simply no ignoring him. He couldn't get rid of him. He never went away.

He's gone now.

Niou is gone and Yagyuu doesn't know how to feel about that. He could probably manage to quantify it all if he tried—there's anger, there's sadness, there's betrayal. There's regret there, too. Loneliness. Uncertainty. There's definitely a twinge of that thing he very pointedly refuses to acknowledge, because as soon as he acknowledges it then he has to do something about it, or think about it, and his life is far, far less complicated when he just leaves that thing alone. It's a conflict he doesn't want to deal with, a Pandora's box he doesn't want to open, and so he doesn't.

He doesn't know how he feels about this, but he does know how Niou would feel. They couldn't do the Switch if they couldn't read each other that well, not to the degree of perfection that such a trick always demanded of them, that they demanded of themselves. And most of the time, the things that Niou would feel are the ones that Yagyuu wants to, free of the constraints of being the Gentleman and impeccable and responsible and everything that comes with it. Niou knew exactly how he felt in those six months he spent in Johto before Yagyuu caught up. And sometimes, Yagyuu is Niou, which means Yagyuu must know it, too.

Sometimes it's just easier to be Niou. He always used to find it amusing, entertaining the thought that they were better at being each other than they were at being themselves.

It's chilly out here in the woods, with snow dusting the trees and blanketing the ground, the open air thin and biting from the cold. It's colder still up off the ground, perched on one of the low, thick branches of a tree that long since shed its leaves, leaving behind a bare brown skeleton that looms ominous and silent against the muted colors of the landscape. There's a Persian curled in his lap, his hands buried in her fur, and she looks just as moody as he feels, even as he strokes her head and quietly absorbs her ambient warmth as an extra defense against the chill of the afternoon.

It's nice out here, silent, alone. He doesn't have to think too hard about who he's supposed to be, what rules and guidelines and expectations he should or shouldn't be following. He can just sit, and sulk, and if he wants he can be no one at all.

Which, all things considered, sounds pretty good right about now.]

Comments

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ admittedly, Rise hadn't had much of an indication of departure-- just an unpleasant surprise when she'd woken up not only to find Dupin in hat form on her chest, but a familiar charm bracelet on her wrist. Which had then led to trying to call Niou to pick up his wayward Ditto.

... Well.

Instinct had prevailed over that increasingly familiar sense of grief (not even long after her best friend had vanished, even, why), the need to focus on something - or someone - else to avoid succumbing to misery. Even if just for a little while. And she'd thought of the one person this would hit hardest.

She gives him some time before she sets out with Kanzeon to keep her company. It's awkward going, of course; Rise has a struggle with a jacket sleeve over a cast, the weather's not the most pleasant thing right now, and it's an even longer amount of time later that she finally stops in front of one tree and looks up. She won't huff and whine that he's hard to find. She won't pipe up a cheery greeting.

She just looks.

And sighs. ]

Aren't you cold?

[ it's a stupid question when she already knows the answer, but that's not the point. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[Sudoku perks up a bit at the sound of the question (though thankfully not too much, lest she throw them both off-balance and send them crashing to the ground in the process), but her interest only lasts a second before one of the hands in her fur is quietly pressing her head back down, the petting rhythmic and unconscious by now.]

Shoulda figured you'd track me down sooner or later.

[He tips his head slightly to the side, glancing down at her from beneath the fine curtain of his white bangs, eyes neutral and no longer shielded by his usual silver frames.]

Rise-chan~ ♫

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ that hurts, but she doesn't show it, merely mimicking the slightest bit of a head tilt and very stubbornly not feeling at all unsettled about this.

Really. ]

Well, you know. I'm stubborn.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[The odd thing is, he ought to be more conscious of just how cruel it is, more deliberate in the delivery, because that's something Yagyuu at his best would notice and wield with surgical precision—but no, today he's just tired, and empty, and not really able to muster the will to care.

Maybe that's part of why it's a good thing he's hiding behind Niou's face at the moment. Niou is allowed to be carefree, careless. Yagyuu isn't.]

Yeah. Don't I know it.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

So, do I need to come up there or not?

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

With that arm? That's gonna be some trick.

[He peers over again, this time looking for a glimpse of her face.]

You should go get in out of the cold.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ her gaze is steady, unwavering in a face flushed pink with cold. She'd had to forgo the scarf today, not having been in the mood to fuss with it one-handed, and she might regret it later, but for now, she doesn't even think back to it. ]

I didn't come out here to go back alone.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And there's a part of him that twinges at that, nagging vaguely, because he knows full well she'll stand out here as long as it takes to get him to comedown, even if it means staying to her own detriment.

And he can't quite place why that bothers him.]

It's your turn to come to my rescue, huh?

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ she pauses at that, because it's almost too easy to let herself be drawn along with the charade, to believe that this is really Niou.

But the rescue he'd spoke of... that has her glancing briefly down at her arm. ]

Depends. Did you need saving?

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[He should say yes. He knows he should. But even borrowing Niou's face isn't security enough to let him make an admission like that.]

Who, me?

[And something in him flinches, because that's not quite right, and the words have made a thin, infinitesimal crack in his illusion.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

Who else would I be talking to?

[ with a crooked smile. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Coulda been Sudoku. She is a cat up a tree, y'know.

[It is a small miracle he manages to say her name without letting his inflection change, or any hint of a tremor seep into it.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

And cats land on their feet, don't they?

[ she debates adding more, but refrains. No. Not yet. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Unless they've got buttered toast strapped to their back. Then they just hover in mid-air 'cause they can't fall both ways.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

Shuusuke and I never got that far.

[ tipping her head further back. ]

And you're dragging your feet, mister.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

A pretty good trick itself, considering they're not even touching the ground.

[He lets one leg swing down, dangling a little as if to prove his point.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... Gee, and I thought I'd get a break from dealing with difficult boys for awhile.

[ there's a gusty sigh before Rise plops herself down in the snow, back against the tree. The cold seeps in almost immediately, but she doesn't budge. ]

Honestly, I almost left you alone.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And now there's silence that hangs thick in the air, cold and gray as he slowly absorbs those words, her actions. There's something nagging at him again, something almost petulant, and normally he might crush that childish urge in the icy grip of self-control, but it's clear she's not going to leave him alone—and despite her words, probably never planned to—and any subject of focus is probably better than letting his thoughts drift along with none at all.]

He showed you this.

[Most people would've reacted to the sight of Niou in the tree. It's not an unreasonable conclusion to draw, that she might've seen the switch before, even if he's still fervently hoping he's wrong.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ silence. She shivers a little, though whether it's the cold or some sort of painful recollection remains to be seen-- and won't. ]

No. He didn't.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And to think, that of all things gets him to flinch. There's relief there, and surprise, and confusion, and none of it has to do with the painful reality that's been weighing on his mind for days, which makes the emotions surprisingly easy to process in comparison.]

It was for doubles.

[It's not technically a lie, even if it's far from the whole truth.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... You two are scary.

[ without actually sounding scared at all, but it's a simple truth. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

We're the best.

[An apologetic look flickers across his face as he finally produces a Pokeball, returning Sudoku to it just long enough that he can shift position and start coming back down from his perch in the tree. He doesn't like confining her—Niou never did—but there's no way he's dropping her, and trying to get down any other way would be more trouble than it's worth.

A few seconds later, the snow crunches beneath his shoes as he lands with a soft thump, and a moment after that Sudoku is out again, both of them frowning slightly at where Rise is sitting in the snow.]

And you're still going to catch cold if you stay like that.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ Rise only smiles, though that alters slightly to a tiny wince when she shifts to brace herself against the tree so she can push herself back to her feet. ]

Well, you came down, so problem solved!

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[There's a sort of wry smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, a half-smirk that Yagyuu would probably never let show on his own face; as she stands, he reaches down and scratches fondly behind Sudoku's ears, tipping his head slightly in Rise's direction.]

You make sure she gets back okay, huh?

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... I meant both of you, you know.