There's so much I need to say to you

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Who: usedlaserbeam and restardom
Where: The forest off Route 35, just outside of Goldenrod.
When: December 1, the afternoon.
Summary: There's a trickster-shaped void in two people's lives. Bonding ensues.
Rating: PG?
Log:
[There are some moments when Yagyuu just doesn't want to be Yagyuu.

They say that the first stage of grief is denial. It's also arguably the one he's best at, if it's even possible to claim expertise in that sort of thing at all. Denial is comfortable, familiar; it's a mask he can wear to conceal his true feelings, which has the added bonus of relieving him of the burden of figuring out what the hell those feelings truly are in the first place. Problems are much easier to deal with when they simply aren't there. Let them go ignored, and they have no power to trouble you.

Deep down, he's pretty sure that's why Niou Masaharu managed to get under his skin the way that he did. Because even despite Yagyuu's best efforts (and were they ever the best of efforts), there was simply no ignoring him. He couldn't get rid of him. He never went away.

He's gone now.

Niou is gone and Yagyuu doesn't know how to feel about that. He could probably manage to quantify it all if he tried—there's anger, there's sadness, there's betrayal. There's regret there, too. Loneliness. Uncertainty. There's definitely a twinge of that thing he very pointedly refuses to acknowledge, because as soon as he acknowledges it then he has to do something about it, or think about it, and his life is far, far less complicated when he just leaves that thing alone. It's a conflict he doesn't want to deal with, a Pandora's box he doesn't want to open, and so he doesn't.

He doesn't know how he feels about this, but he does know how Niou would feel. They couldn't do the Switch if they couldn't read each other that well, not to the degree of perfection that such a trick always demanded of them, that they demanded of themselves. And most of the time, the things that Niou would feel are the ones that Yagyuu wants to, free of the constraints of being the Gentleman and impeccable and responsible and everything that comes with it. Niou knew exactly how he felt in those six months he spent in Johto before Yagyuu caught up. And sometimes, Yagyuu is Niou, which means Yagyuu must know it, too.

Sometimes it's just easier to be Niou. He always used to find it amusing, entertaining the thought that they were better at being each other than they were at being themselves.

It's chilly out here in the woods, with snow dusting the trees and blanketing the ground, the open air thin and biting from the cold. It's colder still up off the ground, perched on one of the low, thick branches of a tree that long since shed its leaves, leaving behind a bare brown skeleton that looms ominous and silent against the muted colors of the landscape. There's a Persian curled in his lap, his hands buried in her fur, and she looks just as moody as he feels, even as he strokes her head and quietly absorbs her ambient warmth as an extra defense against the chill of the afternoon.

It's nice out here, silent, alone. He doesn't have to think too hard about who he's supposed to be, what rules and guidelines and expectations he should or shouldn't be following. He can just sit, and sulk, and if he wants he can be no one at all.

Which, all things considered, sounds pretty good right about now.]

Comments

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Coulda been Sudoku. She is a cat up a tree, y'know.

[It is a small miracle he manages to say her name without letting his inflection change, or any hint of a tremor seep into it.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

And cats land on their feet, don't they?

[ she debates adding more, but refrains. No. Not yet. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Unless they've got buttered toast strapped to their back. Then they just hover in mid-air 'cause they can't fall both ways.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

Shuusuke and I never got that far.

[ tipping her head further back. ]

And you're dragging your feet, mister.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

A pretty good trick itself, considering they're not even touching the ground.

[He lets one leg swing down, dangling a little as if to prove his point.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... Gee, and I thought I'd get a break from dealing with difficult boys for awhile.

[ there's a gusty sigh before Rise plops herself down in the snow, back against the tree. The cold seeps in almost immediately, but she doesn't budge. ]

Honestly, I almost left you alone.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And now there's silence that hangs thick in the air, cold and gray as he slowly absorbs those words, her actions. There's something nagging at him again, something almost petulant, and normally he might crush that childish urge in the icy grip of self-control, but it's clear she's not going to leave him alone—and despite her words, probably never planned to—and any subject of focus is probably better than letting his thoughts drift along with none at all.]

He showed you this.

[Most people would've reacted to the sight of Niou in the tree. It's not an unreasonable conclusion to draw, that she might've seen the switch before, even if he's still fervently hoping he's wrong.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ silence. She shivers a little, though whether it's the cold or some sort of painful recollection remains to be seen-- and won't. ]

No. He didn't.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And to think, that of all things gets him to flinch. There's relief there, and surprise, and confusion, and none of it has to do with the painful reality that's been weighing on his mind for days, which makes the emotions surprisingly easy to process in comparison.]

It was for doubles.

[It's not technically a lie, even if it's far from the whole truth.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... You two are scary.

[ without actually sounding scared at all, but it's a simple truth. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

We're the best.

[An apologetic look flickers across his face as he finally produces a Pokeball, returning Sudoku to it just long enough that he can shift position and start coming back down from his perch in the tree. He doesn't like confining her—Niou never did—but there's no way he's dropping her, and trying to get down any other way would be more trouble than it's worth.

A few seconds later, the snow crunches beneath his shoes as he lands with a soft thump, and a moment after that Sudoku is out again, both of them frowning slightly at where Rise is sitting in the snow.]

And you're still going to catch cold if you stay like that.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ Rise only smiles, though that alters slightly to a tiny wince when she shifts to brace herself against the tree so she can push herself back to her feet. ]

Well, you came down, so problem solved!

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[There's a sort of wry smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth, a half-smirk that Yagyuu would probably never let show on his own face; as she stands, he reaches down and scratches fondly behind Sudoku's ears, tipping his head slightly in Rise's direction.]

You make sure she gets back okay, huh?

[restardom.livejournal.com]

... I meant both of you, you know.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Can't always get what you want.

[And despite his best efforts, the act splinters again.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

No, you can't.

[ and there's something almost fierce in her eyes when she looks at him, even as the rest of her expression doesn't change. ]

But I'm not leaving without you, Yagyuu-kun.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

[And maybe it's the sound of his name that does it, or maybe it's that look in her eyes, now viewed from just a few feet away instead of deflected by the distance while he was in the tree, but something shifts, and the realization slowly settles in that the illusion is over. He can't keep it up once it's been broken. It's against the rules of the game.

Which just leaves him as Yagyuu, partnerless, standing in the forest in a wig and no glasses, dragged back out of denial and into awareness of that feeling like his stomach's going to drop out.]

...Then we're going to be out here awhile, I imagine.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ she'd expected as much, and she doesn't sigh so much as she relaxes ever so slightly. It's a relief to have him like this again, even though she's got a feeling it's harder on him. Rise herself knows the solace of hiding behind masks. ]

It's okay, I don't have any exciting plans for the night.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Given recent circumstances, I suppose I'm relieved to hear you've had your fill of excitement for a while.

[He draws a slow breath, then lets it out again.]

You don't have to be concerned. I'm fine.

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ and now she glances away. ]

I said the same thing when my best friend disappeared.

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

Shirogane-san? I'd heard about that.

[That was back when it was just Yanagi. Back when he and Yosuke had wondered if they were all going to disappear in the order they came—

Apparently not.]

And are you fine?

[restardom.livejournal.com]

I'm used to it.

[ so it's not quite an answer, but answer enough. ]

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

We should walk. It'd be warmer than standing still in the cold.

[Because he still doesn't quite know how to touch that response yet. He's used to Niou leaving, too, but never so far that he doesn't know how to catch up.]

[restardom.livejournal.com]

[ she gives her head a little shake, walking past him and reaching down to rub Sudoku's head. ]

Yeah... it's nice and quiet out here too, isn't it?

[usedlaserbeam.livejournal.com]

It's a good place to think. Or to have a have a discussion without being disturbed.

[He falls in next to her, snow crunching under his feet.]

Or, I suppose, to avoid people you don't want finding you.