route_1065 | If we could sit together a moment

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If we could sit together a moment

Who: Squall Leonhart and Firion
Where: The Dark Cave
When: Wednesday
Summary: Firion finally finds Squall in the Dark Cave and they have a chat.
Rating: PG to be safe?
Log:
After talking to Zidane, Firion approached the Dark Cave and, true its name, it was very dark inside. He reached into his pack and pulled out a flashlight, turning it on and going inside. This world's technology still made him gawk sometimes. It had taken him awhile to figure out how a flashlight even works. A torch without a flame? He didn't get it and in the end, never did. He just new he needed those battery things whenever the light wouldn't turn back on.

He was lucky to have Wild Rose with him as she was the most effective against all these rock Pokemon, but still, he didn't find Squall. Worse still, he got lost. It had been a long time since he had been in this cave and the last time he had another companion. Firion sighed dejectedly, where could Squall have gone? And why did he leave his Pokemon?! It was almost suicidal! No, it was suicidal. He knew Squall liked to be alone but they had all been effected by those nightmares and they all knew Squall had gotten the worst of it all.

"Damn it, Squall," He murmured, crossing his arms, flashlight still in hand. He didn't pay attention during that split second of no light and luck was not on his side. The ground abruptly dropped off. With a startled yelp, Firion felt down the ledge. He was lucky it was hardly more than a five feet, but the staggered way he had fallen meant he found himself sprawled on the ground, knees skinned and scraps on his hand from trying to catch himself. But, it could have been worse and that was the good. "Ow..."

Well, his flashlight had survived, at least. Firion stood up and went to grab it.

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"Tr-Training? Training for what?!" Firion asked, sitting back and struggling not to strike out. And when Squall said they were reminders, it was all starting to make sense. "Don't forget what? That someone made you attack me? How many times do we have to tell you that we don't blame you?! I don't blame you!"

With a final small cry, his hand flew, slapping Squall across the face as hard as possible. "Do you have any idea how many people I have already lost?! The war, the conflict, I am always at risk of losing people. But then, I found myself here and most of my friends have arrived and now because of something a Pokemon did to you.. you would willingly hurt yourself and keep away and all you can say is that you didn't want to worry us? That you are doing this to remind yourself of a crime you didn't commit? Shame on you!"

He didn't even realize tears were falling until he sat back and pressed his hands to his eyes. After a few moments to steady his breathing, his throat beginning to hurt again but he ignored it for now.

"I care for you. We all care for you too much Squall," He finally murmured, taking his hands away and hugging himself. "Didn't you learn nothing during the Conflict?"

His head didn't move after the slap made his neck turn toward the right. The pain in his cheek was welcomed. He deserved it, in a way. Listening to Firion's tirade, Squall bit back a sigh and forced himself from shrugging. Firion was always one of the more emotional warriors from the Conflict, he knew that but he never experienced the Weapon Master's first hand.

Not until now. Firion was laying out everything on the table, so to speak. Everything the weapon master felt, he was yelling it at Squall. It was something, Squall wasn't used to. He never thought much about emotions, having spent so long trying to be a literal Ice King. At least until Rinoa happened.

During the Conflict, he was forced into survival mode, falling back on years of conditioning to try and keep his emotions at bay. His only intention bent on finishing his mission, on finding his crystal and heading back home (if he had a home left; just because they defeated Ultimecia, it didn't mean that his time was stable, that he could go back to Balamb and find everything alright and normal).

Slowly, he turned his head, staring at Firion for a moment. "It's not a matter of you blaming me. It's about me blaming myself." His lips twitched lightly (wryly), "I was used, abused--manipulated. I did something I shouldn't have. My control should have been better. And yet, these things..."

He jerked his head toward his ghost pokemon, "They took that all away from me. They slipped under my defenses and made me attack an ally, a friend. I prided myself on my strength but I wasn't strong enough. In the end, I wasn't strong enough to stop myself.

"Don't know why you care about me. I was never that nice to you, any of you. We only fought together for the same cause. Nothing else, nothing more. We never traveled together, either, Firion. And you care about me? Why?"

"Then Light and Cecil should be blaming themselves as well," Firion replied back, a bit harsher than he intended. "Light's own Pokemon was the cause for him seeing Darkness. No one was strong enough during this whole ordeal! I could not stand to watch you in your nightmare and I was helpless. I couldn't help you."

And that had hurt. It hurt a lot more than the bruises on his neck. Firion's eyes narrowed at Squall. "It's because you are my friend. You are a comrade and thus my friend. It doesn't matter if we didn't travel together, I just... I still do."

Firion cared because he was afraid of losing his friends again. Which was a bit backwards as most would push people away with that fear. But he wanted to know them and care for them as long as possible and as hard as possible. He reached out to take a hold of Squall's shirt and pull the teen toward him, wrapping his arms around him soon after. "Please, don't hide yourself away from us."

Squall stiffened, unused to anyone (except Rinoa) hugging him outright. His eyes widened before he awkwardly raised his arms and to return the hug. At least that's what someone was supposed to if they were hugged, right? The feel of someone's body warmth next to his was comforting but awkward. Very awkward, but it wasn't something that Squall was willing to admit he disliked.

It was different when his fire type pounced on him for a hug, at least those were 'hugs' that he got used to after a while. But this was another human hugging him. A person who wasn't Rinoa. Or Zell for that one time in D-District but that was acceptable. They were thankful for him saving them. Though with Rinoa it was more than just thanks. It was a statement of showing she cared for him, deeply.

"You don't know me," Squall commented after a moment of silence, "You don't know anything about me but you consider me your friend."

"I don't have to know everything about you," Firion murmured, pulling away after a few moments of more silence. "I know enough."

He was silent again and ripped his scarf in half. This time, simply reached for Squall's arm and wrapped the more damaged part with his scarf. Taking the other arm, his eyes brooking no argument, he did the same. Once tied off he looked into Squall's eyes. "Please, stop hurting yourself and come back. We all miss you and we are all terribly worried. We are also here for you. That is what means to be a friend," He smiled softly. "We will be with you during your troubled times every step of the way. I know you want to become stronger and you can, I'll help you. But this is not the way.

Please?"

Squall glanced at his wrapped injuries before looking at Firion in the eye again. "I'm not hurting myself." At least that's now how he saw it but he was being honest. Firion bared enough of himself that Squall knew he had to return the favor and before he knew it, the words just kept coming (almost a bit too easily for him; as if he really wanted to tell all this to someone for some time). "I'm making sure I don't forget."

It wasn't just about the pain, though it was that, too. It was him trying to remember, to make sure that he'd never forget, no matter how many times the GFs took his memories. The scars would remain and that's the only thing that mattered. "Memories are... easily forgotten in my world. When I go back, if I go back... I need physical proof of promises I may forget. Promises of being stronger, of being able to protect those I cared about.

"Written word can be erased, destroyed, even changed and manipulated, but physical reminders never fade." He smiled slightly, wryly at Firion, "This is the path I've chosen, the path I've only knew for a long time.

"And I've... I've been alone for an even longer time. I only know how to take care of myself and protect others. I'm not... Not used to having others worried about me. Being there for me. At least until toward the end of the War. Then the Conflict happened."

Squall shrugged, "I'm fucked up. Right here." He tapped the side of his head, "That's the truth and what you think you know about me... Might not be really true. I don't even know who I am.

"I'm just the person people want me to be, expect me to be." His childhood perception of what Ellone wanted of him, what the Headmaster wanted to see from him, what Seifer expected from his rival, what his teachers assumed... Even what Rinoa wanted from him had shaped him and his personality over the years. It was just easier to do what others dictated.

He only had one desire, to be truthful. To become stronger. Everything else was negotiable.

"What I've been doing. What I've been trying to do... is trying to rebuild the Squall I was before all this shit happened." Because that Squall was safe and comfortable. He knew how to treat others if he was that Squall but having everyone, or at least those he fought with, talked to know his vulnerabilities, know his weaknesses, know that he's anything but the strong gunblade wielder they thought they knew in the conflict--

It was hard to piece back his old mask. It didn't help that the cracks were already forming long before the Conflict began, when Rinoa started to show him that there was more to life than SeeD, Duty and Missions despite the dire circumstances that surrounded them during the War.

Training like he had been ever since he disappeared was the first step to rebuilding his mask. Inflicting injuries to his arms was another step.

"Scars fade," Firion murmured. "Everything fades over time. Memories, pain, even wounds. Paper will yellow and crumble. But you don't fade."

He smiled softly. "May I take a guess at who you are then? You are Squall Leonhart. A teenager like myself, a child in many's eyes, but a warrior nonetheless. You've gone through enough pain that you only know how to take care of yourself, like you said, and thus you want to protect others as well from what you had to endure. But you don't want to show weakness. You remain stoic and emotionless as best as possible, to hide those weaknesses you believe you have. But you still care. At least, that is what Zidane and Bartz have said. And I can see it. You would not be down here beating yourself up because you hurt someone you did not care for.

"You say you are the person everyone wants you to be but you also want to rebuild your old self, but I believe you are on your way to becoming a little of both. Regaining what you lost is difficult, but it is not impossible."

Firion grunted and crawled over to the wall, to lean against it next to Squall. He grimaced lightly when doing so and lifted his pant leg, his flashlight revealing skinned knees. "I just cannot seem to get away from being injured," He laughed ruefully, they were not bleeding too bad so he lowered the pant leg and looked back to Squall. "I suppose that will be my own physical reminder about when I went to look for you and fell off a ledge instead."

He sighed softly and leaned his head back. "Squall, I believe we all have gone through pain in our lives. Light remembers nothing, your world makes you forget things, Cecil was split into three, and I am just a rebel who lost both sets of family to a tyrannical monster. All we can do now is move forward. We are in a new world with endless possibilities. Maybe a new dream can come forth for you, a dream you can strive for that isn't simply trying to bring back the old you but a new you, that is strong and anything else you want to be. Maybe you will return home tomorrow, but your experiences will still shape you, whether you remember them or not."

Another meaningful look. "You got it?"

"Scars don't fade if you know what you're doing." And repeat the action every once in a while but he wasn't going to tell Firion that. Rubbing one of the burn marks on his wrists with his fingers, he glanced over at Firion's scrapped leg before commenting, "It's easier to pretend you have no emotions. Easier for others to expect nothing emotionally from you but a job well done. For a while, that's all I thought I wanted but then..."

A faint smile touched his lips at the memory but Squall shook his head, waving the mental image away. It was a good thing she wasn't here to see him. No doubt she'd bash his head in, telling Squall everything that Firion had already done.

"It's not about dreams for me. Dreams were... are more of Seifer's thing. For me it was purpose and the mission. Promises worked too. I don't promise things easily, Firion but I always keep them. And there's a promise I still need to fulfill. One I'm not sure I'll be able too, now that I'm here."

The more time he spent in this world, the less likely he thought he'd be able to go back home--back home to Rinoa.

Firion chose not to comment on the first sentence. As long as he didn't see anymore wounds, fresh or otherwise, he would be fine. Firion sighed softly. "Pretending isn't the way to becoming the real you."

He smiled again, a little, "But maybe a dream could suffice for now. The dream that you fulfilled your promise. Believe in it and it will come true."

"It's all I knew for a long time." And eventually, all he knew was the mask. It was for the most part who he was or who he tried to be. It wasn't until Rinoa that he started to actively try and remember how it was to be affected by things, how he could let his emotions start to show without needing an outburst here and there.

"A shield between me and the world." The wall that separated him from feeling hurt by pretty much everything. It numbed him from the world and he preferred that numbness to emotional pain.

When the Conflict started, he fell back into his mask, unable to cope with the idea that he was taken from his world to fight in a Conflict that didn't concern him. At least until he knew that Ultimecia was on the other side of the Conflict, then it was all about eliminating her. The mask was all he needed to deal with the constant fighting and battles. When Bartz told him to give him back his feather, Squall wasn't sure what the wanderer wanted from him but--a promise was a promise and in time, he considered Bartz and Zidane a friend.

The rest of warriors were just allies for him to fight with. He never once thought they might have thought him as more than just another ally. That they considered him a friend.

"Dreams can be manipulated and used to control you." Didn't Ultimecia use Seifer's dream against him? "I rather keep to promises, thanks."

"So can promises," Firion said softly, looking at his knees with brows furrowed. "Promises were more of Leon's thing."

They were never sure what made Leon change sides, but he had always promised to protect Maria and Firion, because they were family. But then he wasn't there. He was fighting with the Emperor, trying to kill them.

"Leon, huh?" The irony didn't escape him. The idea that there was another person with a portion of his name who had the same belief about promises that he did was strange but not completely impossible. Didn't Aerith said that the he reminded her of the Leon from her world?

"Promises are oaths. Hard to break, hard to betray but there are sometimes... loopholes you can make use of if you need to bend the rules."

Squall shrugged, "To be honest, if Ultimecia was never part one of our enemies, I could have easily been yours. Back during the Conflict. If it meant I could go home as soon as possible."

Good and evil, they were only shaped by the perception of what a person thought. What could be deemed 'good' could be just the opposite for someone else. It was all relative to what someone thought. "I would have fought you all without hesitation--if Chaos told me that he would send me back to my world if I destroyed you all."

"He was like a brother to me, after my parents died and his parents to me in," Firion replied.

He listened to Squall tell him about what would have happened were he on Chaos's side and found himself resting his chin carefully on his knee. He wasn't going to argue with Squall the merit of a promise and a dream. "Mm, maybe," He murmured. "Except you would have found out much sooner than we had that the Conflict was nothing but a never ending cycle that Garland and the Emperor perpetuated over and over. Would you still have stayed on their side or would you have changed sides to try and get home faster?"

He shrugged, "If I knew what they were planning... I probably would have tried to take care of them myself, rather than ally myself with you and the others. But that's speculation, what happened, happened. Predestined? Who knows. As much as I hate to admit it... Time is sometimes linear in some cases."

In a weird way, his entire life was a huge time paradox due to Ultimecia's interference. If he didn't fight her, she would have won but because he did, he was sent back. Sent back to Edea's orphanage when he was still a child who lost his sister and inspired Edea to create SeeD, to know that it was that little kid who went looking for his Sis that saved the world.

"Everything is mere speculation at this point," Firion said. "All we can do now if move forward with what we have. We are all in yet a new world, rather than our own, and so far, you and I need to get home but are unable to do so just yet. In the mean time..."

He sighed. In the mean time, do what?

"Let us just focus on the here and now. We are in no way going to break our promises or forget our dreams, this will simply be another journey to fulfill them. Bruises, cuts, scrapes, and all," He turned to Squall and held out a pinky finger, smirking lightly. Maria used to make him do this all the time. "Promise?"

He stared blankly at Firion's hand and the extended finger. "A journey designed by some kid's imagination with creatures we have to tame. Right."

Squall rolled his eyes before sighing softly. "I am not doing a pinky swear with you."

That made him laugh and finally switched it to a normal offering of a handshake. "Then we will shake on it. A child's imagination or not, we are here for better or worse."

It was tentative but Squall did shake Firion's hand once with a nod before letting go. Leaning back against the wall, he watched his pokemon chase each other through the cave before asking "Why do you need to go back to your world?"

For Squall's case it was more to find out what part of his world still needed to be rebuilt, what he needed to do as a Commander of SeeD to help his world heal after everything Ultimecia had done. Assuming that even if he was brought back to that moment, to that island, that he could go back to his own time.

Cosmos only said the crystals were supposed to give them hope. They all assumed the crystals would take them home but what if that wasn't the case? He ended up here, didn't he? Squall groaned, bumping his head against the wall in frustration.

All this thinking was starting to give him a headache, another reason why he was constantly trying. It kept him from thinking too much.

"The war has yet to be won," Firion said. "Before I sent to fight in the Conflict, we had just received news that the Dark Knight was proclaiming himself Emperor. We were to be sent on that mission but I have yet to complete it. The Dark Knight, however, is Leon."

It was a matter-of-fact for him and that was how he stated it. But he knew when he returned, they would go to Leon and get him back home.

He blinked when Squall groaned and bumped his head. He put his hand in the way to prevent Squall from doing it again. "Giving yourself an headache will not help. Why don't we leave this cave and get back to Cherrygrove. We can talk about why we are here with the others." He looked thoughtful for the moment. "Light, you, and I all arrived her as soon as we left with out Crystals. Tidus and Cloud did not remember us and Cecil aged seventeen years. I wonder why that is..."

He shook his head. "Nevermind, let's simply go back."

Squall nodded, grunting softly. The feel of Firion's hand on the back of his head was felt awkward, as awkward as the hug earlier but he didn't make a mention of what he felt from it.

"If I do this long enough, it'll cause a concussion, not a headache." Headaches and migraines were always caused by things others done or said, caused by paradoxes and the like. Never from slamming his head against walls. Or desks during the few times his roommate did something stupid in front of him.

"How long have I been gone anyway?" The idea of leaving the cave wasn't really appealing but somehow he doubted Firion would just leave without him. "Can't tell what time it is in all this darkness.

"Tidus. Tidus is here?" Squall blinked, the first time he heard the blitzball player's name since he first arrived in this world. "Or is it Tidus was here?"

"Then don't give yourself a concussion," Firion remarked, removing his hand.

He sighed softly. "A week. You've been gone a week. And Tidus was here, but he didn't remember me or Light."

Squall scoffed, chuckling very softly, "I have a hard head. Or at least that's what Doctor Kadowaki always claimed.

"That long? Thought it was only a few days since I left..." The SeeD shrugged before adjusting his position on the floor, tucking a leg underneath him. "Must have hurt--him not remembering you. You and Tidus... You two were close, weren't you? During the Conflict. I remember him saying that he stuck out with you the longest when we were still looking for our crystals."

Firion nodded, swallowing thickly. Tidus had been the one to stick with Firion the longest. "Yeah, he was. But it didn't really matter in the end, he wanted to be my friend anyway. Memories or no."

It touched him. But then he disappeared.

"Of course he did. It's just who he was," Squall commented with a shrug, noting the sudden tensed tone in Firion's voice. "Sometimes the memories don't mean much but the person's intent. Though is it the memories that shape someone's personality or something more innate?"

Squall smiled slightly with a hint of wry, "I'll probably never know because memories are currency of a sort in my world."

"We'll never know with that kid," Firion murmured with a small smile. Before turning to Squall. "So why do you just... not use whatever it is that costs you your memories?"

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