route_1065 | you know it's dragging me down

Entry tags:

you know it's dragging me down

Who:

usedkunai
Where: Breeding Centre House
When: Evening, October 4th
Summary: Yosuke is an insecure failure, hijinks and woobieness ensue.
Rating: T for Teehee, Yosuke is dumb
Log:

[He's not particularly waiting for her to get back, but Yosuke's been sitting on the sofa all evening. It's the first evening he's taken off in a while, so while everyone else is taking care of their business, he's just thinking. Part about his situations -- things with Souji, as they always linger in his mind. But that's not it; something else is bothering him.]

[His talk with Athrun still lingers. Why didn't Rise tell him? Did she tell Souji yet? Or the others? Was he the last to know? Or maybe it was something else. After all, she felt comfortable enough to talk to him about the murders - the case. Something they really didn't often mention. Something he hadn't spoken a word to with anyone in Johto. Maybe she just trusted Athrun more; maybe things were changing right under his nose and he didn't know it. He's just not sure.]

[Maybe he just needs to wait. So he sits instead, contemplating whether or not he'll even mention it, or if he'll just offer a goofy smile and be on his way.]

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[So pouting right now.] Even if I was... wh-which I totally wasn't, it's not like it matters anyways.

Of course it matters, dummy. Even if it is weird.

It's all kind of dumb anyways. Just forget it.

Too late.

[Sighing.] Come on.

[ and she just looks at him, with a frown. ]

You seriously not gonna let this go, are you.

Nope.

[Falling quiet and looking at the ceiling. He doesn't know how to say this stuff.]

[ Rise's not budging, nor is she looking away from his face.

She can keep this up, Yosuke. Can you? ]

[He's staying this way for a few minutes. Quiet, contemplative. For every reason - because he feels like it's stupid that this is getting to him, that he knows there's plenty of other things beyond the surface worries... but. He knows Rise, and somewhere along the way, she figured him out too well. Yosuke can't hide it, and he won't. He closes his eyes, awkwardly clearing his throat, he finally chokes out some words.]

I... don't like when we're separated for too long, I guess. Not like, you and me - anyone on the team.

[ her eyes remain fixed on his face, but amber's darkened to a shadowed brown, and she's silent for a good minute after he's finished. It's not stupid. She'd felt the same, separated from the team while they were in Violet, struggling to make her way back when Nanako was crying so piteously into the gear and Souji was being chased by a skeletal nightmare.

And even before that...

It's the first time she's spoken up about it to the team. ]

Hey, Yosuke-senpai... do you know what scares me the most?

[It's that silence that sparks him to finally look at her; he could feel that weight in the air. It was there to begin with, it had been pressing on him since he spoke to Athrun. But now it felt like it was weighing down, crushing them - suffocating like the fog. It takes him a moment's hesitation to answer.]

...No? I mean, I don't think so.

... Izanami... [ she doesn't have to ask if he remembers; she doubts any of the team will ever be able to forget. ]

When I stood there, and I watched her k-- [ she chokes a little, stops. Shakes her head. ] Just-- one by one, you all disappeared, and no matter how much I screamed, I couldn't bring you back and then there was no one left.

And it's not just... that I failed everybody-- [ because she had, and there had been nightmares, hallucinations, fragments in that dream world. It's still so much of a burden on her conscience. ] But that I'd lost you. All of you.

I'm... [ Rise lowers her eyes, studying her hands. ] I'm scared-- no, I'm terrified of that, of being away for too long, because you could disappear [ how many times had the others left? ] and I won't even be there to try to stop it, but I promised him. When Chie-senpai was the only one here, and I wasn't even in the same city, I promised Athrun I'd be there to cheer him on after fighting so long. I won't break that promise.

But don't think I like it when we're scattered, either.

Rise... [It's all he can choke out. His face actually does pale, the feeling of Izanami's Thousand Curses is one that plagues him. He has nightmares of it, yes - sometimes just being tangled in the sheets the wrong way triggers him. It's horrifying how clearly he remembers it. He never hesitated; he was the first to push Souji from the line of fire and be choked down by that darkness.]

[It's paralyzing him right now. But he draws in a breath and tries to force out the words he wants to say. The ones he needs to say.] You never failed us. Not once.

[Though he's trying to say it firmly, his voice is wavering.] But... that's... it's what it's like here, sometimes.

We don't know... when someone will leave. You wake up and they're just... gone. And when they come back - i-if they do at all, they don't usually remember anything here. [He's lost his fair share of people here already. Not as many as Rise, he's sure, but enough.]

I know-- I mean, I know why you're going with Athrun-san. I totally get it. But... crap, Rise. E-even if it's not you or me... what if it's someone else? Chie, Kanji, Ted, Merlin -- [He stops just short of saying Souji's name. He cannot bring himself to say those words, drawing in a breath instead and fighting back the hint of tears stinging at the back of his eyes.] It's just... shit.

It's the worst part of this damn place. I hate it.

[ and that, she thinks dimly, is why Yosuke is stronger than she is. Because he can admit it, what she has never been able to, because she's smiling when she's hurting, and she's crying alone, and it takes sympathy from someone else to break her down--

But Rise watches him struggle now, and when she blinks again, everything glistens and blurs, and the tears that follow are as quiet as she is.

They've both lost people. Some who remembered when they returned, most who didn't, and it always, always ached when they looked at her blankly and she settled immediately into the warm and welcoming role. Easy breezy.

It had been a lie, but how many of them had known that? ]

I know. [ Chie, Yukiko, Kanji, Naoto, even Yosuke himself-- not a single one had remembered here, and at the very thought of losing their leader, she shudders. She would have endured; she'd lasted before, but with Yosuke, she's reminded of Niou choking out confessions about life without his partner, and it's a hollow reminiscence.

Maybe this one hurts a little, too, though she's not entirely sure why. ]

I can't-- I can't say that we'll all be together, or that nothing will happen. But even then... I don't think we'll ever lose our bonds, either.

[ quieter than her usual, utterly lacking in cheeriness, but she reaches up to dab at his eyes with her sleeve. And, even more softly-- ]

I hate it, too. But someone needs to keep smiling, you know?

[There's another strange silence as he processes the words. The contact causes him to look up in surprise, but he freezes again when he looks directly at Rise. He can see the streaks on her cheeks from fallen tears, and in that moment, his breath hitches very slightly.]

[He's never seen Rise cry -- not like this. He's seen her dramatic cries, the ones that had a different feel than this entirely. But even Yosuke could sense that this isn't just something genuine; it's something that goes beyond what's happening right now. He knows it. He lives this way - he has for so long.]

[For a group of people who were forced to face the feelings they suppressed, they were all pretty damn good at hiding their feelings from each other, weren't they?]

I know. [He says the words quietly, closing his eyes. If he did that, he could keep the tears back. He couldn't be this weak, not in front of Rise. He's broken down before, but he's not going to let himself fall apart. Not now.] Some things... they wouldn't be the same though, you know? I mean, even... us.

[He opens his eyes, expression pensive. This is the closest thing to a confession that's ever going to happen, if for nothing more than that he won't tell her he feels that way about her.] We were never this close in Inaba... Haha, maybe I'm just trying to fool myself. I mean, we're gonna have to leave one day, right? It's all gonna end... none of this will matter then, right?

[That's a lie. It's a lie and he knows it, but the last thing he wants to forget -- or be forced to remember if she doesn't, is how close they've become over the last few months.]

Don't say that. [ it's a little more desperate than she would have liked, and she drops her hand back into her lap and fights back the surge of doubt that's always accompanied thoughts like that. He's not the only one who's considered it, and he's not the only one who's been troubled by the implications, but the one thought that's sustained Rise this long is the hope, the wish, that she won't forget. If nothing else, she wants to hold onto things like this. The way Naoto had been when Kanji had returned, remembering nothing, after they'd gotten so far... when they'd both forgotten, but now, they'd reached that point again, and she'd almost wanted to cry out of sheer relief.

Maybe some things were inevitable. ]

There's no way it doesn't matter, dummy. And there's no way I'm going to lose you-- what we've got here. The feelings won't change-- they can't change. Kanzeon would know, even if I didn't.

[ things tightly buried away or suppressed, unintentionally or not-- her Persona had always been able to locate them. Rise herself wasn't an exception. ]

[It can't be helped - it's this train of thought that's kept him from even considering the pursuit of anything. Things were so out of control. Somewhere along the way, he found himself used to - even liking - Johto, so much so to the point of not wanting to leave at all. They were together, nearly all of them. Yukiko's not here, for some reason, it always works out that way and he's just as bothered that it keeps happening as he is that any of the others can disappear just as quickly without a trace.]

Yukiko... Naoto-kun... shit even I've come and gone without remembering. [There's a sharp, suffocating intake of air as he remembers the discovery of the Pikachu plush that he didn't remember buying for Souji. Why did he do that? What did it signify?]

[Was that what Rise meant? Is there some lingering, underlying feelings from his previous time here that he doesn't remember? Is this why he couldn't discern the feelings? He's not sure. There's so many questions, and suddenly this resentment of Rise leaving - this irrational feelings holds so much more weight.]

[He brings his forearm over his eyes, holding his breath long enough to try and regain his composure. Which isn't really working. He wipes his eyes, but Rise should still be able to see how wet they are. It takes him a few minutes of silence before he can choke out any more quiet words.]

It... it's bullshit, you know? Some - some bastard is screwing with us, with our friends and our memories and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. [Another pause.] I think you... might be right though. In some way.

[ Yosuke's always had the ability to state what Rise's tried to block out, because their thoughts surprisingly run along the same lines more often than not. With some major differences, of course, but what he's voicing now is what's been some kind of heavy weight on her shoulders for over a year now. And she wants to falter, to give up just then, to just sit there and cry, but she won't. Not when she told Souji she'd get stronger. And not when Yosuke's sitting there, looking like his world is crumbling all around him.

Support is her gig, and that instinct has always been the strongest with her team. So she reaches out now - not particularly caring if he squawks or grumbles or flails - arms encircling his neck, pulling his head down to her shoulder, and she just holds. ]

Nanako-chan remembers. And even if anyone forgets again, that's what I'm here for. We just... can't give in to something like that, Yosuke-senpai. We've been through too much to even think about it.

I know. [For the moment, it's all he says. Nothing makes sense anymore - really, it hasn't for a long time at this point. There's a strange line between "what the hell," and "normalcy" that has been completely twisted. He does his best, always trying to keep his head up, put a positive spin and crack jokes about their situation. But it only goes so far, especially when everything you thought you knew about yourself seems to be wrong.]

[He doesn't move when Rise pulls him down, drawing in a deep breath and just letting it be. It feels like something that needs to happen, and even though he's so unsure right now, he finds his arms wrapping around her small frame.]

You can't -- don't disappear while you're gone. Don't at all. Not unless we can all go together. [His words are quiet. Solemn. Genuine. It's not often he talks like this -- hell, only Souji and Merlin have really seen it before. Mostly Souji, of course.]

I won't.

[ it's all she can say at first, letting herself settle into this weird, almost desperate sort of embrace. It's so strange, seeing him like this, and being like this around him, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. They really have come a long way, even here. ]

I promise... I'll definitely come back, so... don't you go disappearing either, okay?

[His breaths are heavy, and he's holding back sniffles even still. He can help but take in the way she smells as he does so and it sends a surge through him that makes him want to pull her a bit closer.]

[He always liked her, yes - that crush was undeniable. But being here, like this - in this situation is a fierce reminder of how important she is to him and the idea of that slipping away is horrifying. To go back to just "Yosuke-senpai" -- where they were friends because of a common goal and mutual friends but not much else is something so crushing that he actually feels a pain surge through his chest - enough to cause his breaths to become shorter, more labored for a moment.]

[Finally, in-between these breaths and while failing horribly at holding back just a few tears (boy, talk about feeling lame--), he manages a few words. His voice is shaky, but the resolve - his tone - behind it is solid.]

I'm not going anywhere. Not without everyone else. We're not losing each other, and... we're not losing our memories. We can't.

[ It's strange, how attuned to her teammates she still is, even without Kanzeon's presence telling her every single thing-- or maybe because of her Persona's absence, it's made Rise strive to be more alert to subtle changes in her friends. And sitting there, listening to his breathing - heavy, suddenly strained and harsh and shallow - she can tell something's affected him. Not what, but she holds still and breathes out slowly, in deeply, as if he'll somehow be able to follow her example. She's worried about Yosuke, and it shows. ]

Then we won't.

[ she says it so simply, but her resolve's also present. She isn't going to let herself lose this-- any of it. And maybe her grip tightens on him then, just a little.

Don't break your promise. I don't want to be left behind again. ]

[There's something about it that seems to work, his breaths regulating, following the patterns Rise set. He's quiet, and it's not until her grip tightens that he really catches it; some sort of mutual understanding that can be grasped without words.]

[He can't help but let out a weak chuckle -- partially because he knows that this is the only way he'll ever be this close to her, and partially because:]

Sorry... you know, for unloading on you like this. Pretty lame of me, huh--

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LJ ATE THIS NOTIF WTF

;A;

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